"My mental health"

I'm in my 60s now and since the age of 20, I've suffered from depression and anxiety.  It wasn't until later in life when I realised what was going on with me. This was something I never talked about, even to my wife and kids. I got it into my head that if I spoke out, they would have thought I was weak due to me being the strong one of the family.

During early 2020 I felt myself getting worse, to the point that I didn't care what happened to me. I really hoped something would take me away from this world rather than me doing it to myself. About mid way through 2020 I realised that my illness was affecting my work, my social life, my family life and my hobbies. I stopped going out of the house for any reason and not even going to the shop, which I still have a big problem with.

By the end of 2020 and the start of 2021 I couldn't get out of bed to go to work, which cost me my job and to be honest I didn't care, it was something less to worry about. Early January, I had made up my mind to end my life and to be honest, again I really started to look forward to leaving this life so I started to plan it in my head and never once did I think of my family. I have to say that I have an amazing wife and family and I'm very close to them all, so I'm just making it clear that I had no family problems of any sort and no money problems. We all had good jobs so what I'm trying to say is, I've no idea why I was feeling the way I did.

One morning in early January, I got out of bed with the intention of driving out the road to a quiet spot and gas myself in the car, so I lifted my keys of the car and told my wife that I'm going to the shop. All my kids were away to work so that made it easy for me to go, as I didn't have to look at them when I left the house. I had only drove for a few minutes when I realised what I was about to do, and thinking, this will tear my family apart which I didn't want to happen. Out of nowhere, something told me to ring Lifeline. I was passing a petrol station so I pulled into their carpark, waited 10 minutes, thinking what to do and what to say so I called them but dreading it at the same time. When they answered the phone the guy asked a few details before we got into a deep chat about how I was feeling and was I planning to do harm to myself. As we chatted in depth I have to admit I fell apart, but I knew I needed this chat because I'd told no one how I was feeling, I hid it well.

Lifeline convinced me to call my GP which I did. Lifeline are exactly what they say, a Lifeline and totally amazing people. I had about 12 or 14 phone sessions with Lifeline, but in the meantime, after talking to my GP who was very understanding, I was prescribed antidepressants and sleeping tablets. I was also referred to the Mental Health Team in the hospital from the first phone call to the doctor, this all happened sitting in the garage carpark. Lifeline had convinced me to tell my wife all when I got home, so I did.

I waited an hour or so to pluck up the courage to tell my wife how I was feeling and when I did, she give me a huge hug, she cried as much as I did. Almost 2 weeks later I got my appointment with the Mental Health Team which was face to face and again they are amazing people. I was able to talk to them openly where I couldn't open up to my family though I have to say, after each session had ended, I could hardly remember what we talked about. I think that was my fault, I wasn't taking  in what I was being told.

I had 12 or 14 sessions with the Mental Health Team as well as with Lifeline. When all the sessions had finished, the suicidal thought's had left me, but I was still feeling pretty low, even with the medication. I still couldn't go out of the house  on my  own nor to the shop. My wife always has to go with me, this was something I couldn't understand as I was always very social. I had to be with my job. The time scales with all this I'm writing are rough estimates, as most of all this time is near blank to me.

So after a few months, when my counselling had finished, I felt myself falling back into the dark tunnel again. I contacted my GP and he again referred me back to the Mental Health Team reasonably sharpish, where they referred me to Condition Management Program, and this is where my Program started with 2 amazing people,  Gale and Lucia.  These 2 ladies are absolute angles, they teach you how to rethink how you think and explain the brighter side of life. They do their very best to get you back out into society and if you wish, they can set you up in wee work programs. From the outset of this program, they tell you on many occasions that there is absolutely no pressure put on you at all, everything is voluntary. Knowing these ladies don't put any pressure on you means a whole lot and they talk total sense. When this breakdown or whatever you call it hit me I really did believe there was no help out there but there really is.