"re referred for mental health - depression"

5-6 years ago I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety and had been on medication for this, which I took myself off about 2 years ago as  while it shifted my depression and was amazing for the first 4-6 months, I felt in a heightened state all the time and it was so exhausting and I was so all over the place, I started to think living with depression was easier.

Since then I have tried so many things to try and naturally stop me from sinking into depression again, exercise, socialising, not drinking alcohol, yoga, eating healthy, but I always end up back to sleeping all the time, insomnia, cancelling plans, crying 2-3 times a week, doing the bare minimum - washing, eating and going to work, and this will last weeks. 

I feel lonely and tired all the time and when I'm not having the bouts of depression, my anxiety seems to skyrocket and I have no impulse control, I enjoy being able to do things, but I also am now thinking of things I wasn't when I was depressed and I am irritated easily, impulsive as it's so nice to have the energy and motivation to do things, I don't tend to sleep as much and I feel so awful it can't be right as there can be no way everyone is walking around feeling so horrendous all the time, this can't be normal.

I have tried having no medication for 2 years and I have honestly really tried and I am struggling, so just to level me out so I can get on with my life as I am approaching my mid 30s and still struggling with basic tasks because I need to spend so much time sleeping/just not having the energy to do anything.  There must be something more going on, otherwise why when my depression isn't that bad and I actually have energy to do things do I still not feel happy and when I am going back through a low period, I feel even worse about my good period then I do about my low period?  I can't sustain this, I am really struggling, I go as long as I can then I book a week off work and just spend 3-4 days in bed.  I haven't left Glasgow in 9 months,  I haven't seen my family in 9 months as I use my annual leave to catch up on sleep.  I want to find a way to level this out, as the medication did a better job than I have got with anything I tried (also, I took myself off the medication, not under a professionals advice).

I had 2 appointments and a lot of the conversation was about my job or questions where I was to provide an example of a certain behaviour, little mention to my depression.It ended with being told the board wasn't willing to make an assessment based on a couple of historic events.  All of what I was describing about not being in a low stage but still not being happy, this was all totally nomal, these were emotions and part of having a personality.  I needed some self acceptance and did I want to have a serious mental illness?  There was a leaflet about counselling that could be posted to me and I might want to keep a mood journal.  So when I am depressed I don't have a personality.  I need to just be happy how I am and I am only depressed by choice.  The response may as well have been 'suck it up buttercup'.  So I got tearful, as this was the second time I had needed to access mental Health resources after thinking I could manage my depression myself through self care, but I am struggling.  And I ask for help and get the response 'do you just want to be ill?  We'll send you a leaflet'....I don't need counselling, I need the energy to not need to be in bed 12 hours a night and have some stability as  can't sustain what I am doing, I am barely holding it together.  I was told I could just go if I wanted but I needed a few minutes to try and get myself together and not have to walk out and down the stairs in floods of tears and I asked ''do you often get like this (cry) in front of people?'' - like it was something to be embarassed about.  Of course I am going to cry, I approach a professional for help as I am struggling and I am told everything I have said is normal and I just want to be mentally ill.  I really doubt counselling is going to give me the energy I need.I just wanted some support in managing my depression, as I I am fed up losing 60-80% of my weekends and annual leave sleeping and lying in bed trying to brace myself to go back and do it again.  I want to not just be feeling tense, angry or anxious when I am not depressed.  I felt like because I am able to hold down a full time job, it's deemed I obviously can't be that ill and I'm just being a big drama queen.