"Eating Disorder Recovery"

I’m coming to the end of my time in Day Service. And I’ve done some of the things I wanted to do for a long time but hadn’t managed before. Behaviour changes. Weight gain. Food rules. I’m struck by how messy the recovery process has felt sometimes, and how lost - and not so lost - I’ve felt. Throughout this process the staff at SEDs have stuck with me and helped me to refocus when necessary. I wanted to use ending day service to reflect on how things have changed so far. I am not exactly where I hope to be yet, but I am also somewhere I never really believed I could get to. Some of these things happened in outpatient therapy, some in day service. All part of a process of slowly untangling from something that I didn't realise had me so tightly gripped until I began to try to find a way out. 

So far I...

Worried that my eating disorder wasn’t ‘bad’ enough for help

Asked for help anyway. Built some trust.

Realised that ‘functioning’ and ‘fine’ are definitely not the same thing.

Reluctantly stopped running. 

Tried hard to get everything ‘right’.

Gained some weight.

Allowed my partner to attend a therapy session.

Tentatively began to let people to see the reality of how trapped I was.

Started to touch food again. Began to eat a regular lunch.

Relearned how to cook and prepare food normally.

Spoke about really difficult things for the first time. Was listened to in a kind way

Realised again how much the relentless demands of anorexia actually limit my life.

Asked for boundaries and felt relieved that the boundaries were there.

Gained some more weight. Cried.

Realised recovery is more about creating new things than going back to old ones.

Stopped choosing foods for rule driven reasons and found some tentative 'likes'.

Talked to the people I trust instead of squashing things down.

Noticed again how anorexia silences and the space it encroaches upon.

Went out for brunch (first time ever) with the two people who mean the most to me.

Cried because of how tired and cold I used to feel.

Reached the bottom of the 'healthy weight range' for the first time ever as an adult.

Felt confused.

Discovered good hot chocolate. Rediscovered cheese. Ate cake.

Started drawing. Rediscovered art. Felt more able to concentrate.

Realised a walk in the Peaks is a lot nicer with enough energy.

Considered letting my weight find it's own natural place. 

Decided that the relentless, critical/dismissive mindset needs less free reign.

Began to think that I might be able to be weave things together in a hopeful way.

What’s the point? Probably that untangling from anorexia, for me, anyway, has so far felt more messy and confusing than it can sound. I cried a lot. I think those of us who navigate the journey desperately need people alongside who are skilled at helping, are fundamentally kind, and are able to contain all the fear and feelings and stick with us through the process. Sometimes those people are services, sometimes they are family and friends, or both. The ED Service at St George’s, along with others, have been that for me - and I hope I am learning to be a bit of those things for myself, too. Recently I have noticed how anorexia traps people who are often thoughtful and careful into the same exacting language of self blame. It isn't fair, and services like this one are so important in finding a way out.

I found the boundaries set by during my recovery so far difficult but also helpful. I wonder whether clear boundaries have to be set in order to help people, like me, who are very crowded out by their eating disorder but who really want something different, to begin to feel safe enough to make the most challenging of changes. I also think it’s important that people feel seen as a whole within that process, especially when they have had previous experiences of feeling trapped or powerless. So maybe the way things are done is as important as what is done.

The other thing I’ve noticed is how long the change process can take for some. I had never been in contact with services despite being quite unwell for years. By the point I came to an assessment with SEDs, I’d had an eating disorder since my mid teens. The reality was that my mind (and body) had been very tangled up with anorexia for a good bit of time. Things were fairly entrenched. And my progress in recovery so far has fluctuated. It was quick, then slow - almost stuck and then fairly rapid again. It hasn't felt linear. It took time to build trust and to share important things. So it has taken thought and flexibility on the part of services too - who are made up of humans, doing their best, and facing huge financial constraints and pressure. And in some ways I’m not sure how the current climate of austerity fits with my journey - because I know that I needed to be given a chance and to be given time. I’m just so glad the service I attend were in a position where they were able and willing to respond to that.