"Thank you for helping me find me"

My fiancé of 10 yrs died due to alcohol abuse. He was a very controlling, narcissistic, sociopathic, abusive man. I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally and financially by him. Towards the end of his life I was his sole caregiver and when he eventually ended up in hospital what I witnessed him go through has traumatised me for life. Death from alcohol abuse is brutal. He suffered immensely and it was soul destroying to see someone you were once in love with go through that.

After he died and I was completely alone I realised I no longer knew who I was, I’d completely lost me. I became severely depressed, anxious and just wanted to end my life. I felt I no longer had a purpose, what was I supposed to do, who was I supposed to be? I fell into the deepest, depths of despair and couldn’t see a way out. I wasn’t meanymore. I really didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t know how to live as just me, alone in a strange area with no family and no friends. The only reason I didn’t take my life was because I didn’t have the courage to, I just couldn’t do it. I had no idea how I was going to even begin to get me back, not a clue. I completely withdrew from society and just spent weeks and weeks crying, sleeping, ignoring all the post, not eating or taking care of myself and not answering the phone or door to anyone.

I eventually, somehow decided I needed to speak to someone with experience of bereavement, so I called Manchester Bereavement Centre. My first therapist was a lovely lady, and to just have her listen to my story with no judgement or interruption and through many, many tears was the start of my journey to healing.

My next and final therapist was also wonderful. To have her call me every week without fail and on time was everything to me. To have her voice on the end of the phone, to just listen to how I was feeling, how I was doing, let me just talk about my week and what I’d done and had I had any suicidal thoughts was again everything to me. I would genuinely come off of the phone and feel lighter in my mind and that my life is worth something and worth living.

She always ended our calls making sure I had the crisis phone number and reassured me she was there if I needed or wanted to talk to her. Our calls eventually went to every 2 weeks but that was my decision as I began to feel better and more able to go that length of time without speaking to her. We discussed me having other therapy, which, I initially dismissed as my one and only experience with that ended in me having a nervous breakdown.

She was really patient with me and asked every week whether I thought anymore about having therapy and eventually I decided it was something I needed and wanted to start. So I’m waiting for my first appointment date and looking forward to this next stage of my healing process. I cannot thank both my therapists enough for their kindness, patience and understanding towards me at my lowest point in my life. They truly are earth angels and I owe them the fact I’m still here and beginning to feel the old me back. So thank you, thank you, thank you to my therapists and and the Manchester Bereavement Team for helping me find me. XXXXXXXX