"Positive experiences and things need to change"

I very recently wrote an account how after 30yrs I feel broken by the mental health services..  I read back what I’d written and while overall I feel my experiences over the years have largely been negative I would like to point out a couple of recent positive ones.

When I came out of hospital in 2021 the Mid Notts Crisis team supported me at home.

I wasn’t very at all and the staff that came to see me were some of the most caring staff I’ve ever met.  They seemed genuinely concerned and were there for my son as well.  I am so grateful for what they did for me. Thank you. 

As a sufferer of BPD I will tend to eradicate every good experience when I encounter even just one bad example of care.  It’s the nature of the condition unfortunately.   

I also said in my last post that there was no referral made to the Personality Disorder Service.  I have since found out that there has been a referral but the clinician is on maternity leave. It would have perhaps been helpful to have been told that but at least one was made.

Also the secretary at the local CMHT called me and said she’d spoken to the relevant professional and on my behalf had  arranged my appointment to be by telephone so I wouldn’t have to ring.  She was really kind and said  she was always there to help,  

Just to say I was diagnosed with BPD or EUPD as it’s now known at the age of 24.  I wasn’t told however, I thought I was being treated for post natal depression. (I was born female)   The doctor who diagnosed me treated me with sarcasm and an opinion that I was game playing.  I had never heard of BPD and didn’t really know what it meant.

Little did I realise what hell lay in store for me in the coming years as a patient in the mental health services with that label.  

Until  I lost my job in 2021, I also worked in mental health service for 25 yrs so I’ve seen it from both sides    BPD comes mostly from some form of childhood trauma, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be this way.  You’re already full of shame and hate for yourself.  I know staff can find us difficult to care for.  I’ve cared for BPD patients and yes it’s draining,  at times frustrating but I never blamed the patient with BPD. If it’s draining for you imagine what it’s like for that person living everyday with that chaos in your head.

I’ve found that when I’ve encountered some staff as a patient,  especially in a hospital setting they’ve already formed an opinion of me without even trying to get to know me.  I’ve been shouted at, bullied, told off for crying, ignored.  When I was sectioned I was admitted to a private hospital where the manager would use me as a teaching tool. If I displayed a certain behaviour they would tell their new staff to come and observe me and explain to them what was happening, regardless of the distress I was in.    

I was constantly told to do a breathing exercise when upset. Even when I started to cry for the first time for my recently deceased mother.  Try to do a breathing exercise.  Why wasn’t I allowed to cry? I felt constantly dehumanised. The consequence of this kind of approach is we stay in the mental health services longer because we are repeatedly shamed and retraumatized.  We can’t heal from our traumas as we are constantly on guard fighting a system that views us as nothing more than a bunch of manipulative attention seekers.  

As I said previously there are some fantastic staff who genuinely care but the ones who don’t care and to me come across as having an arrogance that they can talk to me as they well please has to stop.  

Being sectioned is one of the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had to go through.  I lost my freedom, my voice and my dignity, I was also admitted to a hospital miles away from my home.   I was denied medical care for a serious urine infection for 2 weeks and medical treatment for the psychosis I was experiencing as the psychiatrist was of the opinion someone with a personality disorder couldn’t possibly experience delusions/hallucinations and I knew exactly what i was doing.    

Again this was in a private hospital but I’ve had similar experiences in some NHS  hospitals.  I wish people could see me as the caring, loving, empathetic but very damaged individuals we are inside.  We’re not evil even though that’s what we are portrayed as. You know what astounds me?  These staff with these opinions never seem to me to get angry about the abuse we’ve suffered they just get angry with us for suffering.  

I would have never posted anything like this a few years ago I would have been fearful of repercussions.  Can I make any difference with the time I have left? I doubt it and as I said previously the system has broken my spirit. I don’t want to fight it anymore. I’m mentally exhausted   I will say however to the staff on the wards and in the community that support us and fight for us and see our pain, thank you, it really does make a difference when someone shows compassion even if we find it difficult to accept it a lot of the time.  

However to the staff that continue this relentless narrative that we are less than human and not worthy of your time or being spoken to in a professional, courteous way, please  educate yourselves, do better, or don’t work in mental health because those opinions are not welcome to me, stop victim blaming. Thank you for reading.