"You have given me the opportunity to Change, Grow and Live"

During 2005/6 a revolution occurred in my mind. Up until this point I was in a very dark place, which involved drink, drugs, crime and violence. But then I began to change perspective about myself and the world around me. I began to embrace my good nature, which hitherto had been suppressed due to the insecurities that I felt and the distorted patterns of behaviour that I learnt.

But even though I had turned a corner I wasn’t getting satisfactory help from CRI. I was stuck on methadone for many years whilst life passed me by. I became suspicious, blameful and resentful of drug and alcohol services.

(However, that was back then and may have had a lot to do with where I was living.)

2015

Nine months ago I reduced off of methadone by myself because I believe that I can beat this addiction with willpower alone. I am full of resent because I have been relocated to a flat which is in the middle of nowhere cut off from friends, family and recovery services. My housing association know of my situation but have relocated me to a block that is also full of addicts and misfits. I feel betrayed.

Every few weeks I binge on heroin for a few days and then buy methadone off the street to detox at home. I then suffer with depression, paranoia and a complete lack of motivation which forces me to use ‘one last time’ so that I am able to socialise (with the wrong sort), tidy my flat and attempt to organise my life if only for one evening. And then I’ll try again to detox and abstain but as usual I’ll end up returning to the deep recess of my cave where I feel scared, isolated and exhausted whilst I contemplate a life that doesn’t resemble this cycle of despair.

2017

I’m cycling down a craggy path of a wood that separates Welwyn from Hertford. Tilted trees with their spidery legs climb down from the banks on either side whilst I focus on avoiding muddy puddles and fallen branches. The shimmering sun and its’ sanguine apricity bursts through the canopy piercing my sweaty cheek. I’m on my way to CGL in Hertford.

Not long ago I had decided to move out of my flat temporarily and reengage with the drug services. I requested that I must get a rehab if I am to go back on a script, lest another ten years passes me by! I am currently living between Welwyn and Bishop Stortford and have decided to reengage with CGL in Hertford. And what a relief – they actually care! I am listened to and respected. And I don’t know any other clients there, which helps in forging a new identity. For a long time I have had good role-models in my life from all warps of life, and in recent years I have learnt to use such archetypes for survival, be it at an interview or having to converse with people I might not like. But now I am becoming the exemplar itself and yearn for its’ durability.

Every Tuesday and Thursday I ride the five miles from my mum’s to Hertford. In group therapy I demonstrate a great amount of self-awareness. I accept that I have a problem and I am now willing to listen to other people’s opinions on the matter. I find the video talks interesting and they seem to fit with my belief that addiction is something learnt as opposed to something that is unnatural or in need of ‘curing’. I have a healthy and stable relationship with my key-worker and I find that the service is a lot more stringent than I have experienced in the past, e.g. I cannot get anti-psychotics or Valium at a whim anymore.

I have also got a new mental health worker who is more like a philosopher than a support worker. We regularly go for coffee and discuss things such as moral perfectionism. The NHS have kindly provided me with a bus pass which saves me a lot of money and helps with all the travelling that I am having to do between my flat, my mum’s and CGL. I have a new diagnosis: social anxiety, as opposed to psychosis. But I’m aware of how transient diagnoses can be and would rather wait until I am off methadone in my natural state before committing to any other medication.

After writing a long persuasive letter, engaging with therapy at CGL and attending groups at The Living Room, I am granted funding. It is now only a matter of time before I will be off this horrid poison. I have suffered long enough. I am now willing to listen and engage with the services on offer.

2018

I’m into my second week at Oxygen rehab. It is a very tight knit environment, but we have a front and back garden. The back garden is adjacent to a graveyard and of course the saying is ‘You don’t want to end up there!’ I enjoy sitting here early in the mornings and feeding a robin that I’ve named Mel. She exudes such confidence and bravery in the pursuit of survival and will even feed from our hands.

But after a few weeks I am struggling with the different personalities and especially the loud music, which reminds me of my younger days. Although the groups are great for peer feedback and boosting morale, there is an underlying nihilism surfacing within me. I have no interest in people, places or things and I feel disconnected, not just from the group but from people in general.

I am tempted to take medication for this discomfort, but I am determined not to defer or obscure what are likely to be symptoms of long-term addiction or unresolved issues from childhood, lest I waste a further 10 years of my life!

After 3 months I move into one of Druglink’s second-stage houses – it is a lovely flat right next to the canal. I have a good housemate and I appreciate my ‘freedom’. I still attend Oxygen twice per week but I spend most of this time sitting in the garden getting burnt by the sun and rescuing insects. I’m feeling a little bit discarded although I understand how busy they are here. I raise my concerns with staff who are very approachable and will take the time out to chat. Perhaps I’m craving more attention or guidance but now I must take responsibility and use the tools that they have provided me with to finish the job.

And that is why I will be eternally grateful to Druglink because although I had a lot of self-awareness before I entered rehab, Oxygen have helped me organise this in such a way that I trust in its’ application as something objectively true, in contrast to the subjective maze that I‘ve been stuck in for the past decade. And without their continued support, especially around housing, I would probably be back living in the wilderness, at ‘Heroin Heights’, depressed and prone to relapse. A land of opportunity now awaits me.

2019

I awake at 7 am to the sound of birds tweeting and draw the curtains. The sun is shining, the sky azure. After enjoying a cup of tea, but feeling ambivalent about the cigarette that follows, I go to the local park for my morning walking meditation. I am grateful for the trees with their wisdom and strength; I notice clusters of daffodils stretching out from wild grass – there is a butterfly amidst the jungle, which reminds me of the cocoon that I too am breaking out from. I can smell the green grass beneath my feet and imagine each step I take penetrating the earth and joining up with the roots of the trees around me.

…But then it’s all downhill!! By late afternoon I feel tainted after smoking too much, drinking too much coffee and wasting time in charity shops, instead of engaging with the many projects that linger at the back of my mind. I am still working on discipline and structure, but at least I am a third of the way there! As they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

When I first moved to the Hub I would avoid the people downstairs and the groups on offer – it seemed so hectic and my main priority was getting to know my housemates and adjusting to being in a new town. But from the beginning of this year I have thrown myself into the group therapy and have established good relationships with the staff and my peers.

There have been a lot of changes in recent months and it is now a requirement that clients visit the Hub for the right reasons instead of it being somewhere they can go for free coffee, food and gossip! For some, the Hub has become boring, partly because of the repetitive material and also due to a lack of staff, but there are bound to be growing pains with anything that’s worth building…

I think that the models taught require repetition because we are struggling to unlearn behaviours that are deeply ingrained. I personally find the groups very interesting and appreciate that each facilitator brings their own skills and personality to the meeting. I think they do a good job of mixing things up and especially in recent weeks there has been an injection of creative zest on their part.

What I like most about the groups is that although there is a facilitator present to give structure to the meeting it is the peers themselves who direct the points for discussion. Within a dialectic approach the clients are able to identify and evaluate their own thought processes. And this empowers them to reach their own solutions to a given problem.

But all this newfound optimism and trust in my own capabilities might never have been realised if it wasn’t for the individually tailor-made programme that the Hub offers. I have faith in the staff and what they are doing, not just for me but for every one of us here. And I am especially grateful for their patience and the respect they have shown to us as people who deserve a better way of life.

We are very lucky to have this little utopia in Luton because most people don’t get the opportunity to go into rehab and/or be taken out of society. I think it is of utmost importance that those who do have to recover in the community are able to do so in the best conditions possible.

Thank you Druglink! Thank you CGL Luton! You have given me the opportunity to Change, Grow and Live.