"Locked Doors and Hot Potatoes"
About: Nottinghamshire Healthcare NHS Foundation Trust / Adult Mental Health Services - Community (City) Nottinghamshire Healthcare NHS Foundation Trust Adult Mental Health Services - Community (City) Nottingham NG3 6AA
Posted by A Catherine Wheel (as ),
Hi I’m A Catherine Wheel and I access local adult mental health services via the Stonebridge Centre (City East) in Nottingham. Nottingham’s local attractions are attractively listed in article 7000 in Nottingham’s newspapers. Sometimes you can be attracted to the arrow in Robin Hood’s bow, unless some city slickers have got to it first to distract any attraction to our closed for refurbishment castle.
My tongue in cheek post concerns: locked doors and hot potatoes. Oh yes it does.
It’s to do with the lack of access to a hot filling to go in my hot potato on account of our locked doors policy. On the Duncan Macmillan site in our Trust I can access Cafe Art for a cold filling in my hot potato without the hindrance of a locked door.
Hot fillings however come courtesy of Cafe Options a few blocks away from Cafe Art. Alas on the door of Cafe Options is the sign of our Trust - you need to have a code in your head to unlock the door to secure a hot filling for your hot potato. I can access this filling by going all the way back to Cafe Art where I’m to use a free telephone and ask someone with a dreadful code to unlock the door to the Options of hot fillings for hot potatoes.
Back at Cafe Art there’s a list of telephone numbers, except for Cafe Options. There’s one for Facilities Services (Hotel Services), although I never knew we had a hotel. Still this person might be busy getting rooms ready for the new guests and not have time to sort out hot potatoes. There’s another one for a Flexible Services Manager, and I’ve an appetite for that phone number. I only hope this flexible manager’s office isn’t too far from Cafe Art from whence this flexible manager will have to come, collect me, and take me to my Optional hot filling for my hot potato.
So much for hot potatoes. Oh no it isn’t.
I thought I’d spare you a freedom of information request to ascertain the number of locks we have. So here’s my arbitrary approach. I never struck up a deal with an (en)titled person to count the locks at any of our castles. I didn’t ask myself: What specific incident caused each of the doors to have a lock put on it? Is this incident resolved or not? No radio replied: “I’m sorry, I haven’t a clue”.
For legal reasons, and Trust security, my count reveals:
7000 or so external locked doors to even gain entry if you are a visitor, service user (with and without an appointment), friend, carer, family, post person, or kissogram
7000 or so locked doors once inside to access any of the 7000 or so internal corridors
7000 or so locked doors for every 7000 or so rooms down these so-called 7000 or so corridors
Locks on all doors THANKFULLY for the unknown number of toilets.
0000 locked doors if you are a member of staff with a code in your head, or perhaps sub-contracted with a code. I didn’t consider toilets and 0000 locks for staff on this point.
(My research report is in article 7000 in Nottingham’s newspapers).
If you’re worried about that code in your head, pharmacists are openly accessible everywhere else. Remember: no codes means no excessive blows of your nose.
By the way, if you haven’t got a code in your head, Cafe Art serves an excellent hot potato with refrigerated coleslaw. Savour now, before there’s 7001 locked doors.
With tongue in cheek (despite being a Veggie)
A Catherine Wheel
in the Certain Ages, with nothing to lose and everything to gain.