"2nd birth following a traumatic first experience"

It took me to 8 weeks before I dared take a pregnancy test with my second child. Oh, I knew I was pregnant long before that, the nausea, the bloating, that indescribable feeling inside me but I was in denial given my experiences with my first child which led to a breakdown and a re-triggering of a previous trauma.

I didn't think a better experience was possible and certainly not something worth pursuing. Instead I asked if was possible to have an elective c-section under general anesthetic so I could pretend I wasn't actually having a baby at all. 

Of course, best laid plans and all...I went into labour the night before my elective, arriving at the hospital in the middle of a rather busy night. As my partner needed to wait for his parents to arrive to pick up our 3 year old, I had to walk through the doors of the labour ward on my own and I've never felt more like running away from something. I felt I was losing what little control I had over the situation and that terrified me. 

With the benefit of hindsight, going into labour was probably the best thing that could have happened. Every single member of staff I met that night was amazing, kind, compassionate coupled with the fact that both Consultants I'd seen during the pregnancy (Drs Crichton and Kumar) had added detailed explanations to my notes so I didn't have to explain or advocate for myself. Despite walking through the doors convinced a general anesthetic would be the best option for me and my sanity, the staff made me feel so safe and supported that I could actually make that leap of faith and take the chance that this could be a positive experience. 

And that turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. I don't think positive really cuts it as a descriptive term for my daughter's birth. Not only was it amazing watching her being born and then holding her within minutes but it also helped me realise just how badly I'd been hallucinating with my son's emergency c-section, that my "memories" of the worst aspects of his birth could not possibly be real. We will always be massively grateful to the team who delivered her, especially Sharon the midwife, Louise the Anesthetist and Dr Fullerton.

Over all, I can not fault the care I received throughout this pregnancy (and I'm a perfectionist who excels at nitpicking). From the community midwives, the sonographer & midwife in Stonehaven who dealt with my anxiety at every single scan from 12 weeks to 32, everyone I encountered at the maternity hospital from the cleaners to the consultants and everyone in between including those who did my pre-op and took my inability to discuss anything practical in their stride and the great postnatal care both in recovery and on Summerfield (especially Geraldine) plus of course those I've already mentioned every single person we encountered was professional, kind, compassionate and a credit to the NHS.