"My treatment, or lack of, has made me isolated and scared"

About: Pennine Care NHS Foundation Trust / Adult mental health

(as the patient),

Just quickly don’t expect much from my spelling or grammar, its late and I just want to get my message across about how I feel The Cherrywood Clinic and the unseen doctor with their team of professionals have, in my opinion, failed me and my depression.

I think I was 17 when I was first sent to his place. I suffer from depression and have on many occasions been through panic attacks, break downs and considered suicide. I haven’t had an appointment since last September, they have sent me regular apologies of how my latest appointment has been cancelled and have moved me to a more suited time slot for the next month, so its been 10 months altogether since they last saw me. Obviously the doctor (whoever they are, they've never talked to me personally, as far as I'm aware they just sign documents which I feel is in attempt to make it look like they're doing something) has got more urgent cases than someone who is right now considering killing himself.

When they did see me (some time last year) I would wait in the 1970’s waiting area alone until called to see the doctor, who could be anyone - during every visit a new nameless face would take me to an empty room and ask me who I was. I would be asked how I was and as far as I can tell it didn’t really matter if I said “I’m ok” or “I want to kill myself” I would be given a cold smile and questioned slightly about why I felt that way then told to either carry on taking the tablets (which are fantastic they just knock me out and make me stop caring about everything, I turn into a zombie, everyone seems happy) or to higher my amount taken. That’s it, that’s all I’m told before being asked to leave and come back in a month. I have asked if I can leave as they have never helped me in any way but I just get told to come back. I wanted to get off the tablets but they're addictive and apparently I would need some kind of rehab type help from the doctor and his colleagues (sadly they have never helped me so I managed to do it myself and that was hard).

There’s lots of things I could say about this service and how I hate them for leaving me without help when I was promised it but I haven’t really got time. Since going to see the Cherrywood people I have been diagnosed with several different mental health problems which feels very random, the best one being asperger's syndrome. My mum used the word asperger's once when she came and next month my newest doctor opened up a file and casually mention that I had be diagnosed with asperger's syndrome - news to me! But when the unseen doctor sent my university evidence and some special needs asperger's syndrome was on there, I’ve stopped caring.

I’m not going to write or phone the doctor as it gets me angry and I‘ll either break down or swear too much, I’m getting worked up now. I’m dealing with my depression alone and its hard without the pills, it’s a horrible world but I have to deal with that. The NHS has made me feel lonelier, not better. Who can you go to when the doctor doesn’t seem to care?

I’d like to end with saying that I’m not mad or insane but they have made me feel that, I now giggle watching one flew over the cuckoo's nest because I feel Jack Nicolson got lucky, atleast Nurse Ratched talked to him.

Very few people know how depressed I am right now if anyone at all. People wont talk about suicide, it scares them and they assume you just want attention, so right now all I have is me and that scares me.

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