"Positive experience in an awful situation"

I visited the Buckhurst Clinic today after finding myself in a heart breaking situation. I am married with 3 teenage children, we were happy and our family was complete. I suffered eclamptic fits in my first pregnancy and received magnesium sulphate through a syringe driver to try to keep my blood pressure down. During one night when my fits were so bad, my husband was called and my parents (they were expecting the worse and were allowed by my bedside). Fortunately my other two pregnancies even though I had high blood pressure I survived and was taken care of so well by my medical team, but I was warned not to have any more children. I am so grateful to have my beautiful babies and feel so blessed to have them. 17 years after my first child and 11 years after my youngest, we had a contraceptive accident. The following day I purchased levronelle from the chemist (morning after pill) and took the tablet within 20 hours, thinking I was approaching 40 (fertility decline) and that I would be covered!! Blimey, I was so mistaken!! A few weeks later, I felt different, exhausted, full breasts and my period was late!! I tried not to panic thinking I'm a few days late due to levronelle. Then the morning sickness kicked in with avengence!! I knew straight away I was pregnant!! I took 3 tests and each one showed positive!!

I knew I couldn't continue with the pregnancy but it broke my heart phoning Marie Stopes, I felt guilty, ashamed, and looking at my children knowing I had another one growing inside me. It was the hardest decision to make.

Marie Stopes were so supportive, I was booked in with a telephone consultation within 4 days. It took 25 mins and I had to give my medical history and reasons for not continuing with the pregnancy. After my telephone consultation I was given options for either medical or surgical and then put through to the booking service. I was given a convenient appointment which was exactly the week after. I elected for a surgical with sedation and was absolutely petrified! Every day I felt so ill with sickness and sheer exhaustion, I had food aversions and hated myself for being in this awful situation. Knowing that I would have to live with my decision.

Today, I arrived at the clinic solemn, quiet, heart broken, but resolute with our decision. I kept thinking about my little one, and all I kept thinking was I'm so sorry. I was 7 weeks and 1 day. I was taken for a dating scan, had a finger prick test for sti and hiv (all clear) and had to sign the consent form. All of the staff were so kind, I cannot imagine working in that situation every day. It was busy, but I was seen quickly and treated with respect. The procedure was quick and I was sedated which I would recommend if in this awful situation. I was taken care of well, no pain or bleeding and although devastated, I am relieved. I cried this evening, sad for the baby I no longer have, and without doubt will think of all my life. But knowing that my decision was right for us.xx