"Surviving the loss of my wife"

My wife died while giving birth to our second child.

I was left with my three years old daughter and my newborn son. My bereavement was extremely difficult as I had to deal with this sudden tragedy but also found myself in charge of my two very young children. A newborn arriving in a normal family is already a revolution but my situation was indescribable, everything seemed impossible.... How could I take care of these two little precious lives and mourn my wife at the same time? How could I practically find the strength to feed, change, bath, play, love and care for them? How cold I find the energy to spend sleepless nights feeding and caring for my baby, comforting my older daughter, and organise the funeral of my wife? How could I survive? How could I not become insane?

Although my friends and my church were extremely supportive, I felt the need to speak to someone external to my world and my tragedy and needed to express all these emotions and thoughts that run through my mind during this difficult time.

I was referred to Ealing IAPT counselling service in London part of West London Mental Health Trust and spent over 6 months once a week with a wonderful mental health counsellor called Stella.

During these numerous sessions I found a compassionate ear, but above all a specialist who could pin point accurately the blockages that hinder my recovery, and made my bereavement painful. During the first session she grasped immediately all the details and intricacies of my life. She drew a mind map for herself with all my family, friends, connections, situations, experiences, key dates etc.... I was really amazed how quickly she understood my world and my experiences so far. I could mention names without having to constantly describe the relationship of the person with me, she knew immediately who was who in my little world and this particular few sessions made me realise that I was dealing with a very competent professional whom I could trust.

For the first few months the sessions were painful and I often ended up in tears. But I also felt better in downloading my pain with Stella. My situation required me to be strong. Strong for my children, strong for my friends that were also mourning but also extremely worry about me and my capacity to deal with the situation, strong for my family who was devastated and strong for myself. Going to the sessions every week was a possibility to finally be weak, cry, be myself, download the pain, and recharge for the week.

Bereavement is a complex process where guilt, disorientation, mental pain are constantly troubling. Stella helped me to understand this process, my feeling and freed me from this feeling of guilt of being alive and able to enjoy life.

Every week I was looking forward to my next session. I knew that something positive would come out of it. I knew that I could analyse, and speak freely without being judge or impacted by negative feedbacks.

My friends were really helpful ( and still are) during all this time, but they had their limitations in analysing the situation. After all, they were fully part of it, mourning the loss of their friend, and overwhelmed by the practical aspect of helping me. The fact that Stella was there made a huge difference. She was foreign to my world, yet understood it perfectly, and could made some appropriate comment on it without never interfering nor bringing any subjective view.

Stella could advise, comfort, encourage, explain. She was an absolute necessity during this time. I am so ever grateful for her professionalism and kindness. I am amazed at her capacity to understand the intimacy and complexity of my situation and brought a positive perspective on it.