"Dreams coming true"
About: Inclusion Matters Liverpool Inclusion Matters Liverpool Liverpool L13 1EH
Posted by Mollymia (as ),
I have lived with depression for most of my life, and was put on anti depressants when I was still attending school. At the age of 47 I went through a very bad relationship and became ill and was diagnosed with anxiety. It was worse than my depression. My stomache was in knots from the moment I woke till I went to sleep with the help of diazipam. I stopped having my motorcycyle lessons saying when I was better I would start them up again. But I never got better although the knots in my tummy subsided periodically. I found I had to physically force myself out of my house kicking and screaming as I was so scared. Being around other people was very stressful and I would often lose my temper because I just couldnt cope at all.
I did manage after 7 attempts to pass my motorcycle test three years after I was diagnosed with anxiety. I joined Active Women and started to exercise but this was very difficult as I didnt like to be in close proximity to other girls. I eventually found a group I felt comfortable with and stuck with them. This has helped me so much.
I joined a motorcycle club and went on rides with them now and again but I still was never sure when I would have a meltdown which still happens but not to the extreme anymore because I am more in control now. I will always be sensitive, its part of who I am, its just nice to know that I dont have to give myself a hard time about it. I love who I am now but I am far from perfect but who is? And I will always be learning lessons. And considering I was full of self hate and loathing this is definitely a healthier way to be.
Having CBT enabled me to fight through the thoughts of not wanting to go out and do thing and when I did manage to socialize most of the time I would really enjoy myself and come home feeling so much better about myself and my confidence began to grow. It was tedious writing stuff down but I did it and put the effort in and now I am reaping the benefits. Taking baby steps but moving forward.
During my CBT I was offered a house to rent in a beautiful place I had dreamed of living for the last 15 years. Everything happened so quickly and my CBT ended around this time.
I continued to put into practice things I had been taught and have managed to keep it together. I enlisted the help of friends and family who I used to think didnt care about me anyway and everything has been slotting into place really nicely.
An old school friend found out via fb I was moving and decided to send me a real horrible text obviously angry I hadnt told her. I was upset and went through a varied set of emotions but didnt do what I usually used to do before my CBT and react to it. I thought it through and spoke to someone I trust about it and have today replied, three days later, with a nice text as the last thing I want is ill feeling.
If my friend still chooses to be angry with me then this has to be her problem and not mine. Things like this would have in the past totally disturbed me and turn the fact I am just getting on with my own life into something bad. I would have internalized this and it would have dragged me down. These thought processes are very powerful and have in the past nearly destroyed me so much so that I just wanted to end my life because everything seemed so painful.
Today I find that I do actually have friends and family who love me dearly and going through CBT has been an absolute life saver.
When I first met my CBT therapist ….. Julie ….. the first thing I thought was how the heck was someone so young, at least 20 years my junior going to help me. Well, she did and I am so thankful to her. She is definitely in the right job and even though some of the situations were maybe trivial she always brought me through it without me feeling worse about the way I felt.
I also learned that talking to the wrong people about how I was feeling and expecting them to understand was where a lot of problems occurred. Not everyone suffers with depression and certainly dont understand anxiety in the way I suffer with it.
At the end of the month I will be living my dream in a lovely town and looking forward to making new friends and obviously staying in touch with my old friends and all my family who I thought didnt care. Depression is very powerful and I hadnt realised that this mental illness was making me believe I was worthless and disliked by everyone.
The fact that I have had so many people tell me they will miss has obviously made me feel great. I am now more like the person I lost so many years ago. I am a good laugh to be with, I am a caring person and not the person that first walked into my first session with Julie.
Thank you Julie, you have helped me make my dream come true