"My therapist saved my life, twice"

Before starting CBT, I felt lost and alone with no sense of purpose. No one prepares you for how lonely and difficult life after university can be. I left behind the chaotic excitement of living and studying with close friends for the numbing monotony of home. I had also struggled alone with my mental health for years, suffocating with social anxiety and OCD. Maintaining that pretence is exhausting, but as a young man you can become conditioned to hide your emotions no matter how sensitive or vulnerable you are. Carrying that burden eventually reached crisis-level and I was referred to IAPT, where I had the fortune to meet Marina. 

Together we began CBT for social anxiety, an intense and formative journey full of unforgettable moments to treasure. Above all, I experienced just how beautiful and powerful the therapeutic relationship can be. Life became colourful again. Seeing Marina was a highlight of my week — I loved our sessions, from the playful conversation to the many tears and rewarding experiments. Marina was always so warm with her radiant smile, so caring and passionate. I finally found someone to be truly vulnerable with, and she became one of the most important people in my life. 

I always felt comfortable to be brave and honest, no matter how painful or embarrassing. Marina was the first I had shared such intimate thoughts with and she treated me with care, empathy and expertise. Whatever curveball I threw, she would respond with seemingly effortless composure and understanding. I finally felt seen. We developed a rapport, a unique connection I will cherish forever. 

This rapport provided the foundation for all our progress on social anxiety, giving me the knowledge, enthusiasm and confidence to experiment with discarding safety behaviours, increasing external focus and taking positive risks. CBT can be draining, but Marina energised me with her eternal optimism and always monitored my wellbeing. We tailored experiments to confront self-beliefs and outside tasks to facilitate SMART goals. I became so motivated between sessions, not only to maximise progress, but hoping to surprise Marina and make her proud. A highlight was conducting my own experiments — I loved to share my breakthroughs and see her smile. 

There is not enough space to share all our progress, or the words to describe how much more confident and expressive I am. Otherwise I would never finish writing! I am just so happy surrounded by people. I feel like my true and full personality can finally shine through, after years of holding back. I appreciate more positive signals rather than self-focusing. I have more initiative to invite friends out and approach new people. I can be open and vulnerable. I sing and dance with more confidence, if no more ability. I even rediscovered my smile!

Through CBT, Marina taught me that you are strong enough to free yourself from negative beliefs. And due to the hope and confidence she inspires in me, life is a richer spectrum of potential emotions to experience.

Marina also navigated my OCD and individual worries with infinite care and patience. I chose to focus on social anxiety, but was just as supported when otherwise overwhelmed. The darkest period occurred towards ending therapy, when my mood collapsed as I realised my career path was never what I truly wanted. Lack of purpose became hopelessness, and I found solace in active suicidal thoughts. 

My only route through that despair was sharing all those tears and emotions with Marina. I will never forget hearing the passion in her voice for me to survive. If I wasn't already crying, she would have moved me to tears. If someone can believe that passionately that you should live, someone that knows parts of you more than anyone — maybe it's worth fighting. I found such resilience, and in Marina a heart so caring it saved my life.

Ending therapy has been my equivalent to a first heartbreak, a loss so devastating that you cannot focus on anything or anyone else. Marina understood how much she meant to me and how vulnerable I was at the time, ensuring I receive additional support through the CMHT. And our last session together was perfect — a celebration of our progress, with time to reflect and share a meaningful goodbye. 

At my request, Marina kept me updated while awaiting my CMHT referral. Contact reassured me, as I was beginning to spiral. Unfortunately, my OCD saw this as an invitation. One of the most upsetting symptoms is doubt, intense enough to question even your strongest beliefs and relationships. Deep down you know the doubts are false, but they can compel you to think, say or do things you regret then and for the rest of your life. I will never forgive the OCD within me for taking away the perfect, beautiful closure I reached with Marina. It was cruel and drove me back into despair. 

Although discharged and non-contactable, Marina noticed the suffering in my last message and arranged for the emergency services to check I was safe. Sitting alone by the water in the cold and rain, I had lost the courage to fight anymore. My phone rang, and I was bewildered and scared to answer to the police. I panicked that my family would find out, felt guilty that people were looking for me but touched they cared. The adrenaline was pounding enough to distract me from suicide, and rediscover that strength to come home. It hurts that I cannot thank Marina directly for saving me again, but I can share just how passionate she is about my wellbeing. 

I would be so grateful if my feedback could be passed on — I hope then to regain some of the closure I regretfully threw away. I am also never one to be apolitical, so I plead for NHS mental health services to receive further funding. Everyone deserves to be cared for the way I have, and heroes like Marina deserve more recognition for the invaluable support and inspiration they provide to society.