"I survived the trigger: it's made me stronger"

Almost two years into sobriety and coping really well. Lockdowns, Christmas's, even going meeting up with my old mates in our old haunts - no problems at all.

I'm lucky enough to work mostly from home, but we're now encouraged to visit the office one day a week. Cue the first day back in the office in London, surrounded by restaurants bars etc. It's 4:30pm and I'm thinking of leaving to get the train when one of my colleagues says "...can't really talk about that in the office, let's have a beer after work...".

OUCH. My first real temptation. I really wanted to hear what they had to say, and to enjoy that camaraderie. I've been to pubs before during sobriety and drunk soft drinks without any problem. But I felt this was different. Maybe for me it was actually being outside my old haunts, somewhere new, that raised the red flag, I don't know, but my head told me this was a big BIG risk, so I turned them down and went for my train.

They all know I don't drink, so there would have been no pressure, but still. I didn't really think about it a lot more until the following morning, just waking up out of a dream (I've only remembered dreams since I started using Nicotine patches - a common thing apparently, but that's a different story!)

A typical dream, flitting from one thing to another, nothing making a lot of sense. I went from sitting at a table with a few folk, remnants of dinner or snacks on the table, laughing and saying "this tastes good, what is it?". The bottle was unlabelled, but there was some engraving and as I turned it to read, I realised it said "Smirnoff" (not even my drink of choice). I went from happy to devastated in that second, ran from the table, found a corner in the garden and lay down covered by my coat sobbing inconsolably.

Was the dream connected to the trigger? I don't know, but one heck of a coincidence. If I'd slipped the night before and had that one drink, it would have been many drinks, and the dream me would have been the real me, devastated, grieving, angry and back in the bottle.

I survived the trigger this time and it's made me stronger. I couldn't have achieved this without the help of CGL Wisbech, and CRS Cambridgeshire, who helped me, counselled me, taught me, and most of all believed in me.

The other thing that helped me through quitting and into recovery was telling everyone who would listen that I was quitting/had quit because I had a problem. Perhaps that wouldn't work for everyone, but it was massive for me. And sad and surprising/not surprising, that a few of my friends have sought me out at a quiet time, in a quiet spot, to confide that they too have a problem and ask me about my experiences.

Massive thanks to ALL who, in their own ways, support control, abstinence and recovery.