"shocking treatment in suicidal crisis"

I had repeated suicide attempts after an especially severe week of being actively suicidal. this led to multiple section 136s, 1 after the other. I went to visit the bridge both times. 

After the first mental health act assessment in A&E I tried to be strong and wait for a phone call with what I hoped would be a clear plan for support. Being told you'll get help in the future but they don't know when is not reassurance for a suicidal person. It does nothing to address the urgency and obviously left me feeling really insecure and frightened. 

I tried my best not to live, but just to exist in the community. But no support was forthcoming. I was referred to the home treatment team who denied that I was being failed by services, but then immediately rejected my referral. They then referred me to the South team who also immediately rejected my referral. Then I was told by the South team I would be getting nothing. Then I desperately waited all day for a phone call from a mental health worker that I thought I could trust, but the phone call never came. No apology was offered. I now believe that I can trust no one ever again.  Nothing means anything anymore and I cannot trust anyone. 

Instead of showing compassion, it felt like they wanted to punish me as hard as they possibly could for my being in crisis. 

The most recent 136 which happened yesterday I headed for the bridge again and ending up spending 10 hours at A&E and then more than 24 hours at the 136 suite. 

In the morning I was given a mental health assessment and the 2 doctors agreed that I could go in to hospital as an informal patient. I imagine that this was because I was and still am very distressed and extremely frightened about my ability to keep myself safe with no current support plan in place in the community. 

However, after this assessment happened I was then seen by 2 'first responders' who attempted a total of 3 times over a period of 8 hours to pressure me into going home when I felt unsafe to do and with no support from a mental health team. I felt bullied and harassed and they made me feel scared. 

After they tried to push me 3 times into going home they then returned at the end of the day when I had been in tears all day and unable to eat hardly anything. They told me just to -get your stuff and go home-. I was in tears and told them I didn't feel safe and that I didn't understand. The doctors had said that I could have an informal admission. I was already suicidal. I begged them but they said just go. the first responders pushed me over the edge. 

I was forced out with my belongings. initially they even tried to force me into a taxi until I desperately ran away. 

Then I tried to phone the ambulance but realised this was pointless as I would not be able to stand outside for 4 hours with suicidal urges without acting on them. I ended up walking to the A40 bridge. I was literally about 2 mins away before police arrived. We then returned to the 136 suite but I will never again be able to trust a mental health first responder after they bullied and terrified me and forced me out into the cold when I was actively suicidal. 

When I returned to the 136 suite the staff did seem kind and supportive so far, but I have just been advised that there will be another mental health act assessment. This will mean that I will have been assessed a total of 6 times in a 24 hour period. 

I told the staff here that I cannot speak to a mental health first responder ever again. It is now midnight and I have no idea when the next assessment will take place, I'm trying my best to stay awake. 

I had desperately hoped things wouldn't get to this point because I had been begging for months for a proper support plan so that I could exist in the community. I had said time and again how dangerous my situation was becoming. every time it was ignored and or downplayed with no real reassurances, no support plan, and no one I could trust. I was always either stonewalled or met with hostility. 

When I was under the North Westminster team life was different. it was better. but since moving to South kensington, my entire life has fallen apart and since then I feel I have had nothing but mocking cruelty and lies. I'm a broken person. I never imagined my life would again be as bad as it was back in July 2020 but right now I am having the worst suicidal crisis of my entire life. 

I'm actually heartbroken and spend all my days asking why but no sense or answers ever come. nothing makes sense.