"My first endoscopy"

One day last week I was at my first endoscopy after about a year and a half of stomach issues. 

All the way through, booking my appointment over the phone, going in to reception, speaking to the nurse who admitted me and speaking to the doctor and the nurse who did the procedure, I have been super clear about being extremely nervous and I have got a phobia of vomiting and gagging so I wanted to make sure that I was sedated and wouldn't remember anything of the procedure. 

The lady at reception was the nicest ever, she made me feel very safe and comfortable so I felt quite confident when I was called in to see the nurse who would go through the procedure, admit me and insert the cannula for the sedation. I told her I was afraid of needles so I looked away and needed to sit there for a little bit in order to get my head around it but the nurse very shortly made it quite clear I wasn't going to sit there until my appointment and hurried me out to wait in the reception until my turn. 

I feel like throughout my whole experience no one really explained what was going on or what was expected from me as a patient which I found very confusing, I was mostly just hurdled around without any clear instructions. 

Then I was called in for my endoscopy and when i got in there I got the impression that they were quite stressed. Despite me saying I was nervous again, they told me to sit down, I got throat spray sprayed in my mouth and then asked to lie down on my side. After that the nurse just pushed my arms and legs around without telling me what to do which I found really uncomfortable. I then got the bite guard pressed in and then the doctor said that he would give me my sedation. He then also proceeded to say that the sedation would relax me but not put me out, This really panicked me as I had been told I would be put out so that I wouldn't remember the procedure.  The sedation did nothing for me and every detail is very memorable and I could feel absolutely everything. 

After that the doctor started the procedure without letting me know. I panicked again and started trying to take the camera out, I did this on two occasions and then the doctor said that they couldn't do it if I didn't behave and both doctor and nurses were shouting at me. The doctor said that I would have to book another appointment to be put out completely. I convinced them to try again and that was followed by the worst experience of my life. Violent gagging, throwing up bile and the nurses holding my arms. 

Once those very long few minutes had gone and they were finished, they very quickly just stopped everything, threw my personal belongings on me and rolled my bed in to the recovery room. I was in shock and crying because of the trauma. They then straight away gave me some water and then I had a cup of tea and some biscuits. Mid way through my tea I was asked to sit on a chair instead and then they asked me twice within the space of about 5 minutes if I had finished the tea. I was then asked to go away again and sit on a chair by the waiting area for discharge.  I had been told by the booklet I received prior to my appointment as well as the receptionist confirming that I would be in the recovery room for a little while and that they would call my partner to pick me up about 20-30 minutes before I was ready. However within the 30-40 minutes I was in there, I was asked about 4 times where my boyfriend was to pick me up, who had gone home waiting for my procedure to be done which is about a 25 minute drive from the hospital. 

Once my boyfriend arrived we were escorted into a room to go through any findings. I was told I have a hiatus hernia and then she gave me a leaflet about the recovery from the endoscopy as well as a leaflet about the hiatus hernia and then we were sent on our way. 

I understand that Covid is making time very pressured as well as there is a lot of patients but the information I had received throughout the time preparing for the procedure really didn't match the events that took place. Nothing I had prepared myself for actually happened and I am still very traumatized by it all. I feel like if there were clearer instructions throughout it all I would have been so much happier. I also don't understand how I somehow didn't get any effects from the sedation and no response from anyone when I said how nervous I was and how they couldn't even make sure I was well sedated before the whole thing. I can't describe how much it still shakes me when I think about it. I know it's not a pleasant procedure but the staff around it sadly made it so much worse.