"Traumatised"

Over the past 19months I have re-lived the birth of my son and the week he spent in Special care every day in my head.

I will not go into all the specific details but I feel the treatment I experienced from two nurses and a consultant has left me traumatised to the point where I feel I am unable to have any more children. Most of the midwives were amazing, but the three members of staff mentioned treated me horrifically. At one point I was having a panic attack and a nurse started putting a cannula in my hand. I was crying and hyperventilating, my parter asked me if I was okay. The nurse said “she just isn’t getting the birth she wanted”. I wasn’t having a panic attack because I wasn’t getting candles and a birthing pool. I was having a panic attack because I felt the decisions being made were not in the best interest of me or my child . I was terrified and I was having my autonomy taken away from me. It felt like I had been kidnapped. She continued to insert the cannula even though I was clearly distressed and stating that I didn’t understand what was happening. My partner afterwards described being in shock at what he had witnessed.

My son was in special care for a week, I believe because of the decisions made by the consultant at his birth and because of the distress I was in during the birth.

Upon him being released back to me on the maternity ward I was put onto a ward with other mothers. My son screamed non stop (he was later diagnosed with colic but I didn’t know this at the time.) I was crying, overwhelmed by a horrible birth, a horrible week with a poorly baby and being on my own. I pressed the button for assistance, scared as to why my baby had been screaming and screaming for hours. Especially as he had just been released from special care. I hadn’t slept for a week (not an exaggeration) and honestly was terrified that I would fall asleep and drop him and also scared another mother would complain about his crying. The nurse that came to my bed, basically told me to get a grip, babies cry. The reason we were staying that night I was told, was because I was not quite right and needed another night. If this was the case should I not have been given more sympathy? Writing this, I am in tears even though it was so long ago. There were also amazing midwives that were honestly some of the kindest women I have ever met, sadly the behaviour of three women has caused horrific damage to my life.