"Giving birth"

I feel that I had quite a traumatic experience during the birth of my son in October 2020. 

I admitted to The Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh one day mid October to be induced (as it was suspected that my baby was going to be rather large). The induction process took 3 days and while not exactly pleasant, was ok. The nurses were attentive and friendly and I was excited at the thought of giving birth and meeting my baby.

On the 4th day at 3am I was transferred to the labour ward. I was met by an amazing midwife and student midwife. They put me at ease instantly and I was feeling relaxed. They broke my waters at 4am and started the oxytocin drip. I was then in the room for 6 hours before I had an unplanned c section. These 6 hours felt very traumatic for a number of reasons:

1. The midwives shift finished and the brilliant team went home. I felt the new midwives didn’t really seem to care about me, they seemed more concerned with ticking boxes and paperwork.

2. The baby was in the wrong position so the midwives were trying to coax him into a different position by moving me into very strange positions, despite it being not what I wanted or comfortable. I could feel myself getting distressed.

3. I hadn’t dilated more than 3cm so the midwives rapidly increased the oxytocin drip until it reached its maximum levels. I had high blood pressure at this point and the contractions were medically distressing both me and the baby.

4. The midwives spoke to a consultant and got authorisation to go above the maximum drip levels. The pain was too severe so I had pain relief in addition to gas and air. 

5. At this point I was told that the baby’s head was still in the wrong position. A c-section was mentioned. I couldn’t speak from the pain of the effect of the increased drip and the drugs. I relied on my husband to communicate my wishes. My husband, who had been virtually pushed aside during the process.

I was then transferred to the theatre and the most amazing anaesthetist in the world (newly arrived from Italy, wearing a brilliant Star Wars head cover - I’m ashamed to say I’ve forgotten his name) quickly and efficiently administered the epidural and although I could barely communicate with him, his care and compassion meant the world to me.

The operating theatre staff were all amazing. My son was delivered quickly and efficiently. The midwives took my husband so he could watch the weighing and checks etc. They were rude and abrupt with him and he wasn’t sure what was going on. They told him measurements without explaining what that meant - if everything was fine/normal or not? He remembers they put a white wool hat on my son’s head, then cut the umbilical cord so blood splattered all over the hat. Seems a strange thing to write about here, but that was his lasting memory. Not a good one.

When we went to recovery, another very checklist oriented staff member tried to force me to breastfeed. Not showing me how to do it, but rather aggressively forcing my son to my breast. I did want to breastfeed and still am doing so thankfully, but it was not done in a supportive or helpful way post surgery. I was left feeling useless and confused about feeding.

When I returned to the ward, my catheter broke and I was lying in urine for a while. I managed to get a nurse to help me but it was around shift change and I remember feeling that I was being a nuisance to her. 

Following this, I was on the ward until Sunday. When I tried to get nurses to help me with the baby or my c section recovery, it was a struggle. Sometimes it would take 40 mins to an hour for anyone to respond to the call button. Obviously if I needed to pick up, feed or change my son, this wasn’t helpful. I ended up doing everything myself. I feel like I was ignored because I refused the pain relief drugs (I have had bad experiences with post surgery morphine before and didn’t want to take it). A friend of mine was also on the ward at the same time, she always had support, had help with lifting the baby and the midwives took the baby for her at night so she could get some rest. I got none of these things.

I had a breakdown on the Saturday night. I’d had virtually no sleep since the Monday when I was admitted for induction. The ward was loud with many disruptions overnight - moving bed spaces and crying babies. One nurse on shift was very helpful and arranged for me and my son to sit in a separate room at 3am to prevent us from leaving the hospital.

On the Sunday, I asked to be discharged. When the consultant finally came to see me they got me mixed up with someone else and tried to go through someone else’s details, experiences and situation - at first they didn’t believe me when I told them their mistake. They then discharged me without going over any of the details of what had happened to me. I think I was in a bit of shock at this point and just desperate to leave. 

My baby was excessively crying at the same time and I remember no one helping me. I felt abandoned. A feeling that had characterised my stay in hospital post-birth. 

It’s taken me a while to really process my experience. I believe my labour was unnecessarily traumatic, as was my time post-birth in hospital. 

I am eternally grateful for the theatre staff and anaesthetist for both psychologically saving me and for bringing my baby into the world.