"I have never felt so unheard"

Thankful to all the midwives. They are the absolute angels keeping me hanging on by a thread. Unfortunately same can't be said for my consultant / clinical care.

Having battled mental health issues for years I thought being open and honest in pregnancy is the best way forward. Continually I have felt I haven't been listened to.  After an over 2 hour wait in the clinic at 31 weeks I was told I measured small and go for growth scan. I had explained baby's movements had changed but I wasn't worried, I knew it could change times / feeling etc. I was not worried until I was told he was too small. Maternity assessment again were fantastic, other than not being able to contact my partner until he turned up at the dept to tell them he was only here to reassure me he was in the building. Luckily I heard his voice as desk staff were only interested in asking him to leave.

When the consultant arrived their first priority was the student nurse invited along. Now having had a student nurse at almost every appointment so far I have no problems with this. My problem came with the first question. How is your mood? I understand you are worried about babies movements. Not the case. I was worried I was told he was too small. When I'd been scanned the sonographer had already told me he was fine and measurements were all good. He was back to back that's why I was uncomfy but he had plenty time to move.

As the consultant let the student examine me I was already in clear visible pain and consultant let this continue. I have had previous back issues in pregnancy also so when pushing repeatedly on my pubic bone I was in agony. With no mention of baby's growth I had to ask if all was ok. The reply was he's fine yes he is "big small" I asked to confirm again if all was ok was it's safe for me to go and was told of course. Cue a weekend of shopping for tiny baby clothes and absolute fear. 

Fast forward until I'm 35 weeks . After discussions with consultant at Leverndale and phone consultation with clinical psychologist I was told best way forward was get a date in if possible for clinical discussion and possible date for section. This time I came prepared for a 2+ hour wait, I understand this is no one's fault it is a unique set of circumstances at the moment. When called in to midwife she really took time to ask questions read my notes and genuinely put me at ease for the first time in weeks. I felt listened to. Having given birth at 22 weeks to a loss this played massive part in questions of birth plan . Having clear trauma from this occasion I felt so vulnerable having to speak of this again but has stated midwife was amazing. Understood why I wanted to explore section and had taken time to read prev notes.

Consultant was invited in. Same consultant who had referred to baby as "big small". Already uneasy the consultant started to ask why I should have section. Told me my reasons were too vague to be "offered major surgery" .Referred to this as the first time I would deliver. They could offer pain killers if I'm scared.  When it has been clearly stated I had laboured and given birth at 22 weeks previously. It's not pain I'm scared of its the mental trauma I don't want to relive. Yes this was too vague. Also explained problems with back and this was dismissed as " it's not like on TV you don't need legs in stirrups" I KNOW IVE GIVEN BIRTH BEFORE. I cant move my legs further than my hip at the moment. I sat in shock normally I would be first to reply to and question everything but I'm not mentally myself just now.

I had to go to maternity assessment as had tightening and leakage. All was fine was probably to do with me having a bath that day but wanted to check to be sure. Care could not have been any better. I have never in my life felt so lonely and unheard by what are supposed to be consultants helping make a decision not hinder. It was clear that my notes had not even been looked at by the consultant. As soon as they left, the midwife, who had taken the time to read my notes clearly! , assured me if it's what I wanted a section could happen.

I've massively lost trust in my care over the last few months. Fully aware of pandemic, as I've said midwives / nurses could not be faulted same can't be said for consultant . I'm now going into my last week's worried about what may or may not happen. Will my wishes be ignored if I go into early labour? Feeling totally dismissed.