"Let down by the care of my suicidal husband."

How do I feel? Let down. Abandoned. Devastated. Angry. Rejected. Heartbroken.

My husband's mental health gradually deteriorated since having a brain tumour removed twenty years ago. For the first few years, only close family and freinds would have noticed the new behaviour: self-doubt and quick temper. Over the years his mental health steadily grew worse with symptoms like verbal anger (never physical) depression, anxiety, restlessness, paranoia, suspicions, pushing friends away and self-hatred. We've recently discovered that these are possible side effects from left temporal lobe surgery, but we never made the corrolation between his neurosurgery and declining moods because we'd never been informed to look out for them. 

I've written a longer history to the coroner, but very simply this year, having lost the ability to work, feel positive, believe in himself or even like himself, his mind grew sicker. He couldn't understand why I would want to stay married to him when he was such a loser. (His words) I told him I loved him and the real person was in there, but just needed help. By now he was taking three different antidepressants. In the latter weeks we were paying for a phychologist to speak to him at £150 a session. Due to his health, we had lost any equity and were now renting while on Universal Credit, so this payment to talk to someone was a huge percentage of our income. We knew he didn't have the strength to wait months until an NHS mental health professional would be available.

His first cry for help was when he disappeared in his van with only a blanket and ALL his medication in October. I called the police. They arrived and were amazing. My daughter and son-in-law are also police officers and knew that the triage car would be called. The police requested them when they'd talked him back home, but the mental health team refused to visit. I would like to know how they choose between one person's life and another's. I'd like to know who makes that life and death decision. I'd like to know who said, No.

His second cry for help was when he drove to Belvoir Castle with clear suicide intention.  I called him but he wouldn't tell me where he was and wouldn't let me meet him. I called the police, who once again were there when we needed them. He was talked into going to our son's house in an area of Nottingham, which he eventually did. The triage car with the mental health team was requested for a second time. Once again, someone said, No. Do you have records that let you know this is a sick man who wanted to take his life for a second time? The police gave him a lot of time that evening and told him that someone from the mental health team would call him. As the hours passed, he was settled in bed at our son's house. The next morning he said he had received a phone call waking him in the early hours by someone from mental health team. They asked him if he needed to go to hospital, he had been woken up and said he was in bed at his son's. Whoever spoke to him said (as he recalled)-Okay then, in that case you won't need to speak to a psychiatric nurse. Goodbye.

Who made that call? Who thought it was a good idea to ask a suicidal man whether he needed hospitalisation? Where were you?

I found my beautiful husband, father to our three children and grandfather to twin six-year-old grandaughters after he committed suicide in a traumatic way.

Where were you?