"Felt guilty asking for help"

I now feel confident enough to tell this story.

I attended CAMHS for a few years until around 2018. I struggled a lot with depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety.  I am a very shy girl. The nurse I was speaking to would get very impatient with me. I once told them I was feeling suicidal at that moment, and they said that neither of us could leave until I say I'm fine. I felt that the notes were written to make it look like there was progress. 

There was also a psychiatrist that was completely rude and I felt was mocking me. Their words still hurt me to this day. I was to have an appointment to discuss medication as I was just going down hill. I noticed that the manners and body language used didn't seem caring or professional at all. I talked about my suicide attempts, which were happening around 2-3 times a week. At my description of one of my attempts, the staff member was extremely dismissive and rolled their eyes. Then told me that I must not have wanted to do it if I ended up phoning someone for help, which I felt was hinting that I was doing it for attention. About the medication, said that no medication will stop you from doing what I had done, referring to the suicide attempt that had not been taken seriously. I already knew anti-depressants didn't work that way, which I kept saying. 

A  while later, I had attempted again and ended up in the A&E, when the nurse was reading my notes from CAMHS, it had said I had been seeking attention, this is the last thing I wanted people to think about me. I had started to believe these things and felt guilty asking for help. 

A while after turning 18, I started with adult mental health services. There is such a huge difference to the level of care provided here. They were fantastic with me and I actually felt listened to. 

From noticing this big difference and have experienced what I did at CAMHS, I am now studying to become a nurse. I just hope that the staff from CAMHS realise why they are here and re-evaluate their work ethics. You should never treat someone that way, especially people who feel vulnerable.