"Mental Health"

I have had several long term anti depressants and had bad side effects off them all but the last 2 sertraline and mirtazipine destroyed me especially mirtazipine. I went to hospital around 4am about 2 weeks ago and after being seen I initially I was left in a cubicle with my friend until 6am then he left. I was left until 9: 30am alone despite asking several times for someone to sit with me I had completely broken down.

Pressure in my head beyond belief all week after starting mertazipine. Constant ringing in my head and manic behaviour like cleaning at 2am thinking it was early evening. Making a brew then heating it up in the microwave about 4 times I had lost it totally. My doctor said stop the meds so I did. Thought I'd feel better as I'd only been on 15mg 8 days but then I got more symptoms, everything seemed so loud when it wasn't my vision everything was so bright. Dizziness, nauseas. Dark thoughts of suicide. Constant all this 24 hours a day I couldn't sleep hardly and when I did I woke with anxiety threw the roof and scared to death, terrified of going out it was all out of character.

I couldn't sit down I was pacing up and down and kept getting twitches from my head to my body then my legs they twitched aggressively. I was petrified this has never happened and I had all these symptoms. I came home from the hospital thinking die so did self harm lost a lot of blood, then I lay back thinking go to sleep as I'd had 30 or 40 mins sleep the night before cause of going to hospital. I walked out the hospital I was left hours alone suicidal and terrified with all those symptoms I gave up waiting any longer. Jumped in a taxi and home then self harmed again. Woke up after a short time and tried to self harm again its not easy,  I couldn't find the courage needed.

My sister came and took me to hers she contacted 111 then after an eternity got through to Wakefield house. A staff member said can I get to Wakefield house the next day around 4pm or 4: 30pm, But as it got nearer I was scared I'd be locked in a room and injected and put out and sectioned I was terrified I didn't trust anyone. They ended up doing a home visit and came that day earlier around 3pm or so. They said anathalectic shock and possible side effects if I remember correctly. They said by the end of the night even upto 2am they would call and let me know if any beds at Hollins park or if not another in the North West and if there full then they would cover a night or so in the priory again I think in the North West Altrincham or close. They rang around later that evening saying a doctor had got a prescription of diazipam sorted out of hours to pick up from Bath Street in town. My sister took me even though I was terrified of going. We got the prescription and it was a few days worth and low dose but they said they will take the edge off all the symptoms and they did but a little but I was still a wreck.

Then they said all beds are full at those places he mentioned but that there was a house I could go to with 24 hour care for 5 days with a possible extension. I thought this sounds strange a house? It was close by where I live about a 20 minute to 30 min walk I'd never heard of it before. It took half an hour just to get me through the door. A lady  told me about the place it holds 5 or 6 patients and 1 staff every 7 o clock shift so 7am till 7pm and 7pm till 7am different staff, First few days I felt scared alone isolated and had all my symptoms but the diazipam took the edge off some. After day 3 and 4 I felt unwell but not like day 1. Day 5 still had symptoms but I felt better than I did.

They drew up a crisis plan on release after giving me a day or so extension there and home support were visiting.   Two staff were extremely rude even though I was polite and felt weak and timid totally out of character for me. I allowed them to speak to me like rubbish. The staff at parkhouse were not like that only the home support staff that I met.   They told me on Tuesday you have no appointments until Thursday cause of my extension and after Thursday I would be seen on a day to day basis and assessed, Knock on my bedroom door weds saying home support are on their way but I had no visits until Thursday, I went down and the staff asked how I felt about going home.   I said right now its not an option I've improved but I'm not well and terrified of going home as I would be home alone a lot but they said you are going home tomorrow and you will have a home visit daily but I felt they spoke to me like trash and I'm in my late forties and not brought up this way. Was picked up early evening  Thursday and home. I felt terrified straight away of going into the house but my mum and sister were waiting they didn't want me returning alone incase of bad things happening.

They left after a while we sat in the garden because of covid but they had been decorating as a surprise but thought I had more time in the house so when I returned it was in chaos. They wanted it finished for when I returned they thought Friday or even after weekend as it was a day to day basis after the Thursday but I was sent home Thursday. No home visit Friday no home visit Saturday. In between all this my sister was running around all hours for prescriptions as you have to pick your own up at that house and I was terrified to leave and with her 4 year old son no one else could do it. Then they told me to go to hollins park Saturday as the Dr had done a 4 day diazipam prescription for me but reduced from 10ml to 9ml. And I was told that week he wanted to see me at hollins park for an appointment. I was promised daily visits from Friday, Saturday onwards but nothing until Sunday. They came in and were here no longer than 20 minutes only to tell me there ending support so no more visits and I wouldn't be getting anymore prescription and no appointments with the Dr as Hollins Park and Wakefield House are linked.

I asked why as I hadn't done anything wrong and done everything asked of me and been respectful and polite the whole time despite being a complete wreck. They didn't give much of a reason. I told them look at my crisis plan the main triggers that could send me back into crisis is worrying over medication and lack of professional support at home. Its in black and white. They left and I fell apart from that moment until now. Talking matters couldn visit for a few days.  Rang Wakefield house told them I'm feeling bad and they  said if you go into crisis to call the 24 hour line. So basically I have to get even worse and go into crisis to be seen or helped again. This is shocking and I am taking this further. I didn't think this happened in real life only in nightmares. I've never been treated so disgustingly in my lifetime all my years. I feel alone, isolated, scared, Confused, No professional support nothing and now my anxiety above all else is killing me. I can barely sit down everyday my mind races and my heart feels like its going to burst out of my chest. I feel the high level anxiety is whats triggering off depression and other symptoms but its all too focused on depression I've said all this. I'm now having to look at private which I can't afford I'm unemployed and a million miles away from working. I'm so scared and all this is totally out of character.   There is more to this story believe it or not I could write loads more problems with this. The house I went to were great its the home support staff that I met that seemed to cause the problems.  A couple of the staff in particular were really supportive and caring.