"Suffering with depression and anxiety"

This story is about depression and anxiety - but more importantly, how I overcame it with help!

If I’m honest I had been suffering with depression and anxiety longer than I have ever admitted to.

After losing 2 key people in my life I lost a 3rd. My nan and my aunt and uncle who had cared for me when I was younger and my dad was fighting for his life and needed my mum more than I did, at that time anyway.

My nan loved me unconditionally, I was her world and when she passed away my world came crashing down around me. Who would love me unconditionally? Who would be my go to person? More importantly, who wouldn’t judge me for being ‘silly’? Through that time my aunt became my go to person, sadly she developed Alzheimer’s and would ask me, ‘I love you don’t I’ as quickly as she developed Alzheimer’s she was gone! 2 down I began to become anxious about leaving home, I lost all my confidence and had begun to feel worthless, not suicidal but with thoughts of how people would be better off without me. Having a young family and being married didn’t ear those dark times and thoughts. If anything they fueled them. I began to spend money like it was going out of fashion, the inexpensive crap I bought made me feel better if only for a short while, so I bought more. Had to take out payday loan after payday loan to keep up with just the basic of bills. I all the while keeping it a secret about how I felt and how I was losing control. I felt I was at rock bottom. How wrong could I be...

My uncle became ill and passed away quickly, my mum had a stroke all the while I kept working, looking after my dad and my family. Not telling anyone what was still going on deep inside. Right then was the 2 occasions I thought of ending it all! Had it planned but for whatever reason, I didn’t do it. I just saw this as something else I had failed at! Go me! This was at rock bottom as I had been.

There was only one person who really knew and it wasn’t because I told her, but because she knew me. My oldest friend called me out on it. She never commented about how stupid I was or what a failure I was or why hadn’t I done any housework or showered and washed my hair. Instead it was, ‘right what are we going to do about it.’ Partial relief, momentarily actually because although she had called me out on it burying the head in the sand technique I pushed all her hard work and advice to one side.

One day about a year ago, talking with my mother in law she was commenting on how people get so low they commit suicide and she just didn’t understand it. It was then I told her, it’s easy! The plan, the need the desire to end the heartbreaking demoralizing car crash that had become my life. It all came out everything. I went to the GP who upped my antidepressants and I completed the safeguarding questionnaire. The results of that meant he referred me to inclusion Thurrock.

To be honest I’d forgotten about it. When I got a call offering me a group session. Not what I needed or wanted so turned it down. The world went into lockdown, my answer no phones ringing no knocks at the door and limited post through my letterbox meant I could do the bury my head routine again. Then my miracle happened. I got a call offering a virtual 1:1. Also My friend who called me out on it lent me money to clear my debts with an affordable repayment - but Jade from inclusion Thurrock became my beginning of the end. The first day I spoke with Jade I hadn’t showered or been worried about my personal hygiene for nearly 2 weeks. This was as low as I had ever been. Our first meeting I thought yeah right like she is gonna be able to help. I even thought that on the second session. But... the 3rd session was where it began to change, not overnight but going in the right direction. Jade was no fool she knew exactly how I was playing the game and she held me accountable, not in a bad way but just gave me a scenario of changing one word. I kept using the word selfish, over a couple of weeks she had me using more positive words like self care. She gave me homework which was more like targets of what I needed to do that week, walk, make notes, plan ahead but they gave me focus on something different. I began seeing things very differently. I’m not going to lie and say it was a walk in the park because to admit wrong doings, dark thoughts etc made me especially evaluate what I already knew - life ain’t easy! The weekly questionnaires not only gave Jade the feedback she needed to know the direction of the plan, but it gave me time to evaluate how I was truly feeling. Rather than just ticking the I feel crap box I begun to question - do I feel crap though.

The long and short of it this service saved me, not necessarily from suicide but from living a life of feeling worthless and unloved.

I was told by a colleague this week Smiffy has her spunk back and yes I do the future doesn’t frighten me anymore because I have the strategies in my mind map and know how to cross each hurdle I’m not looking at life through rose tinted spectacles life’s rollercoasters are still going to come along it’s how I deal with them that will prevent me relapsing back into old trails of thoughts but allowing myself an occasional lapse just means I’ve finally got it sorted.

I can’t thank Jade enough, her commitment to me while we met all be it virtually showed me I could do it. When she asked if I was ready for this to be the last session I paused. I waited to see if the sinking feeling came back. Jade noticed this and asked why I paused I explained and she said well what did you notice. I noticed no sinking feeling and knew there would never be a better opportunity to take the leap of faith. I’m now enrolled in an access to higher education diploma, I’m exercising and feel good.

I know I’ve gone on but it’s important to hear why I needed help and how the help came.

Tiny steps win the race and inclusion Thurrock became the end of my old ways of thought and the beginning of the new.

#corny but what’s life without a bit of drama.