"Addiction"

I have used different drugs in a variety of ways since I was 18, over the years my life escalated out of control 4 years ago my 5th child past away at 3m old and my life spiralled out of control ( not that I was really in control of it before) my other children were removed from my care, I became suicidal (attempting but never succeeded) and lost any care in the world, my domestic violence partner was all I had left.

I was introduced to the recovery partnership where at the beginning I just was going to tick the boxes using others urine to provide clean samples. I was given the opportunity in court to join the family drugs and alcohol court (fdac) I didn't want to stop using it was the only way I new how to cope but I wanted my kids back so I signed up. I was under so much stress trying to say what I thought people wanted to hear, act and look like I was clean and arrange my sons funeral 6m after he died due to complications there was delays, this left me exhausted and run down and I'd started to have enough I didn't want to continue.

I didn't want to use at my sons funeral so I did my first day without using, then several and managed to be clean to say goodbye (still being watched by social, schools and what felt like everyone). A few days later I fell ill with what I thought was the flu, doctors thought appendix, by time I got to a and e I just collapsed I woke up in resus with them trying to find veins, my body shutting down from sepsis, my ex partner on phone asking why in hospital ( no one new I was there) no contact with kids, no parents feeling all alone. I spent just over a week in hospital and as soon has I got out (still week) I used. Something had changed and It wasn't the same, I didn't want to do this anymore so why could I not stop?

This is the first time I got honest with workers and said I can't stop, I began to listen and try new things, change who I hung around with and to be honest with how I was feeling, I couldn't ignore what was going on in my life. I had court for kids, court for driving under influence, court for child neglect. I was fighting my ex after he raped me and dealing with grief and my extremely poor mental health. I really started to try and over Christmas when everything had shut down I attended my first fellowship meeting because I did not want to use on what would of been my sons 1st birthday but new I couldn't do it alone, this was the first time I had met so many people that got my obsessions to use, my selfish behaviours and could identify with where I was at, the first time I saw hope if they can change then so could I.

I got days, months I managed life events clean I never thought was possible (anniversary, crown Court) I attended my drugs key workers every 2-3 days for tests (swabs) I wanted to prove I was clean, hair strand tests I was creating new friends, positive changes and increased contact. I started to change I started to understand the difference between love and parenting I always loved my kids justifying my using with they go school, fed roof over head but I wasn't there presently I wasn't there emotionally.

I gained knowledge and skills I went on courses and continued to work on myself. A year and 4m after the children where removed from my care they started to rehabilitate my children back here with one night, weekends until they where all back in my care. This was difficult they had a routine I had to adapt to and knowing I had so much to prove to them, to me but to everyone watching. My kids where on a interim care order for over a year I had to fight to get it reduced to supervision order mainly due to my eldest daughter having behaviour difficulties and issues outside the household but I felt my past was constantly used against me.

By this point I had started volunteering first for a mental health campaign it takes balls to talk, the recovery partnership in the needle exchange and winter night shelter, I learnt early in recovery I only keep what I have by giving it away, like those who helped me and showed me the way early in my recovery. I loved working with people and went on to work with cgl (change grow live) and becoming a director of a organisation I helped establish to help those who are rough sleeping or have complex needs, we work with organisations to break down the barriers to services are sit has experts by experience for the local authority. We have won awards as the arc and I also won the health and wellbeing award for the volunteer work with cgl.

Today I still work with social services around my daughters needs (rather then against them) my children have a upbringing where I am the best parent I can be(present not perfect) am still clean and in recovery, still working on myself has this is still new compared to the life I spent using. I still have to deal with life on life's terms and the challenges that brings but today I'm content with life. I am grateful for what I have today and how lucky I am to have this life I have lost friends to the disease of addiction and work with individuals who are still in the chaos of what addiction brings.

I'm grateful for my keyworker Kam now at cgl and supervisor Steve. Chris my volunteer Co ordinator who pushed me to be the best I could be. To fdac for teaching me how to be a mum again and to enjoy my amazing children, to all the organisations like crasac, mind, cruise to name a few that I was a client of along my journey, To my sponsor and friends in recovery and to all those I have met along the way good and bad everyone played a part in my journey to where I am today and I thank them all