"I did not feel safe"

Last week I found myself within a deep and severe mental health crisis, to a point where I felt my life was in danger.  I attended an event at which a senior clinician who I knew and who had been previously involved in my care was present. They were sufficiently concerned for my safety to take me straight to the ED (A&E) at the Northern General Hospital.  I arrived at approximately 1700 and they booked me in and waited with me.  They were quite prepared to stay with me, but I said I'd be ok, that I felt safe where I was and I PROMISED them I would stay where I was and that I would wait to be seen and not leave the ED until such time I'd been seen.  They communicated this and their concerns again to ED staff and I was triaged soon after.

I waited seven hours for Liaison Psychiatry to see me.  In the meantime a friend had arrived to sit with me in CDU.  I was taken by 2 staff members to a private room to talk.  one asked the questions, the other was mostly making notes. Classic Good Cop Bad Cop.  They asked me why I was there and I quietly and calmly articulated my fears and distress.

They asked me why having made previous attempts to end my life had I not successfully 'completed suicide'. I politely challenged the underlying assertion behind this question.  The response was they preferred to be honest and direct in their approach.  I'm all for this but not if it's used as a way to sugar coat that people don't really believe what you're saying to them. They asked me why I'd sat seven hours waiting to be seen and if I'd really wanted to end my life, why hadn't I just left ED and done so.  I said because I'd promised people who'd shown me cate and compassion that I'd repay their faith in me by waiting and engaging.

At no point was I cross or upset or even emotional.  I just quietly and eloquently articulated my distress.  I stated I felt personally in most danger when I am like this, when I am completely devoid of any emotion - positive or negative.  They began to remind me of all the things I should be grateful for.  The questioner's words were 'I don't want to put you on a guilt trip but.....'.

I stated I felt I needed at least some time away from the home environment in a safe environment such as a crisis house, as such an intervention had benefitted me previously.  I got the sense that it wasn't my place to ask for this.  They said they'd go away and consider what needed to be done for me.

The questioner returned alone soon after to inform me that no resource was available at that time to help me and that I'd have to leave ED and return home and await further contact.  I reminded them that I felt unsafe at home and in an outside environment in general.  They reminded me I needed to be realistic in my expectations and that I needed to exercise a degree of responsibility with regards to my own safety. That if I'd come to ED and waited all this time, that I wasn't really that serious about acting upon my distress. 

I politely challenged this.  They seemed taken back by my doing so.  They commented again they preferred a direct and realistic approach, and that my feeling that my distress wasn't been taken seriously wasn't the case and that that was just an incorrect perception on my part.  I reminded them that a senior clinician had been sufficiently concerned to have brought me to ED in the first place.  Throughout this time I felt uncomfortable and intimidated and would've preferred the other staff member who made notes or at least some other person present also. 

I again quietly communicated my unhappiness at this was told yet again I needed to be realistic.  I wasn't offered any means by which to get home, even given the time and no buses would be running for at three hours and I had no money or means of transport. 

I was discharged into the night at 0200 distressed and feeling deeply unsafe, the only support being to await a phonecall.  On exiting ED I was anxious to the point of throwing up.  I called a friend who agreed to pick me up and take me home to save me walking miles home in the dark while in such distress. 

As I'd explained to them, I found being back home frightening and unsafe, causing me and my family further anguish. I returned to ED at 0800 that morning to prevent myself acting upon plans to end my life.

I sometimes think I should get angry and shout and bawl at times such as this to get people to overtly see my internal distress, but that wouldn't be right.  I felt they and many others before them take a dislike when people can rationally articulate their distress and feelings in calm and measured language - more so when people use the language of services also.  It's as if it's not your place to do so.

Basic validation from the start might have avoid this feedback altogether.  But what I  will do is thank all those people who HAVE and ARE helping me through this crisis, whether its their job to do so or otherwise.