"Crises of hope"

i was referred by my GP to the Pain Clinic at the Astley Ainslie Hospital. I had been dealing with chronic pain for years and depressions. I felt I couldn't cope, wasn't getting any better at living with it, but worse, and knew why but couldn't see my way out of it. I was constantly overthinking, stressed, couldn't make plans. Over years I had been to all kinds of departments within the NHS and to charitable psychotherapy clinics for a lot of help and discussion, and somehow none of it stuck, because the pain kept scuppering me, and i lost friends who couldn't handle my not being 'cheerful' or who didn't listen to what I was trying to express, understand, and fight in myself...

I had six appointments - spaced out quite a lot - with the consultant. I found him very easy to talk to, and soon let down all my defences and the way he responded was so human and friendly and gentle and sometimes playful that I eventually realised he didn't see me as I had been seeing myself - he saw me as an interesting human being who had been unhappy for a very long time and was stuck. During our dialogues I felt able to express some of the deepest and most honest feelings that had been haunting me. His acceptance was worth a lot more than any advice I'd been given by other people or bodies or professionals.

I still have a lot of pain, some of it knocks me out at times, but I am less often so depressed that it overwhelms me - I cry a lot and I listen to myself better and I think, in the end, that's probably a reasonable outcome for me.