"The bottom line is, I didn't feel supported"

I had my second child at the Dundee maternity/Midwife unit.

Admittedly I am quite an anxious person and particularly scared of childbirth, however I had a fantastic experience having my first born at a different Midwife unit so I was much calmer the second time around. I had invested in a T. E. Ns machine for pain management and was even paying bills between contractions (my clever son being born on payday! )...point being, I was pretty calm arriving at the unit.

When we arrived we were shown to a side room and before checking my BP or actually doing anything the Midwife who saw us arrived with my file and immediately commented on the fact that I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. She asked me if this was where I wanted to have my baby.  Of course I said it was and she told me I would need to "keep a lid on it" or else I would be transferred to consultant led. I'd like to point out here that following this statement when checking my BP it was perfectly fine as I wasn't actually panicking and I was actually very calm at that point...when having my eldest I walked into the maternity unit crying that I couldn't do it it was too painful, so I'll be the first to admit when I'm not handling things well. In case it isn't obvious this upset me a lot and has stuck with me since, I felt judged based on the Midwife glancing at my notes, seeing I have anxiety and immediately assuming I would be a "difficult patient". I don't usually bring up my anxiety as I don't like to be difficult, this snap judgement made me feel very self conscious.

Anyway after checking my stats the Midwife advised me that it would be the staff change over now (we arrived early morning) but she would pop back in before leaving. She didn't.

I had a water birth having previously had a very nice water birthing experience, I liked the ability to be a bit more in control, no set position I needed to be in etc. The Midwife who was looking after me after the staff change came and went intermittently as I gather it's a busy hospital and she said there's no real point sitting and waiting for me to be ready to push as it could be a while. This is a stark contrast to my first labour where I had 2 Midwives never leave my side all night, however different NHS trusts, different maternity unit set ups etc. I understood but it didn't fill me with confidence. When she did come to check on me I remember saying I was so looking forward to my son being born so that I could see my eldest again (as I had hardly ever been away from him before), and I was told to not worry about that right now...so I couldn't express concern or fear as I'd be "transferred" and I couldn't talk about my eldest (who was the very thing keeping me going) or else I would be told to just focus on me right now. My husband actually sat reminding me of all advice the midwives gave with my eldest trying to channel the positive experience I'd had before.

When it was time to push however the Midwife did stay with me which made me feel better as I didn't want to be having him alone! However she kept moving me! I wanted freedom to find my own comfortable position but she would just grab my legs and move me, during one push she went to move me and I startled as his head started to crown springing out of the water. My husband and the Midwife were pushing me back under but I was scared because I had researched water births and I know once the heads out you can't put them back under water...nobody actually told me (until my husband told me much later when I explained) that his head wasn't actually fully out at the time so it was okay to go back under.

When my son arrived and was placed upon me he was so still and quiet, and on the back of my springing out of water I was very fearful. The first words I said when I held my first born was "my boy, my boy! "...the first words I said to my second? "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to do it wrong! Did I hurt him? Is he okay? ! I didn't mean to do it wrong! " the reply I got? None. I kept repeating myself for what felt like forever (although probably just a minute or two), a student Midwife came in and she could see I was upset and asked if I was just a bit overwhelmed, some concern/compassion at last. The Midwife who delivered my son stroked him face and he was fine, I don't know why he was so still, perhaps a bit lazy maybe we woke him up, I'm just pleased he's okay. I'm not however happy about how low I felt, could nobody have said "you didn't do anything wrong his head wasn't out and he's fine don't worry" would that have been so hard?

I needed a stitch so my son was given to my husband to have skin to skin, I was kept in the pool while it drained and then I was showered down, got out into the bed and examined, stitched etc and then finally finally given my son back. I struggled a little in the early days with my son and I genuinely feel that the experience I had being so scared when I briefly held him and then not getting him for skin to skin for the next bit there contributed to this.

The Midwife I had was going off duty, she wasn't happy about being "soaking wet" (such is the nature of water births no? )

After our Midwife left that was if we weren't seen again for a few hours. No offer of support to feed my son, okay he's my second but I still could have needed help. I got the joy of hearing other women going through labour instead of being transferred onto a ward. When somebody did come in the room (I'm assuming to prepare it for later births perhaps) they seemed very surprised to see us still there and asked what we were doing? Were we heading home? So I said yes sure we'll go home and see my eldest, they went to prepare paper work and I contacted my mum to collect me.

By the time the paper work arrived I was feeling pretty light headed and weak on my feet, to the point I had to ask my husband to hold my son as he felt heavy...I'm wishing I'd stayed longer to make sure I was okay, but I wasn't given the option to stay, I was specifically asked if I was going home. So home I went.

Until the very next morning when my son came back for his check ups before being properly discharged.

The bottom line is, I didn't feel supported, I felt judged and at points forgotten about. I felt let down. I admit I'm terrified of childbirth but with my second I wasn't as scared as my first as id had a great experience, now I'm expecting my third and I'm more afraid than ever before. Thanks for that Dundee.

The hospital was clean though from what I saw, and the food didn't taste too bad. The student midwives were great.

I'm pleased I won't be at DMU for this baby though...just hoping for a better time at Aberdeen now!