"My post natal depression episode"

I felt lost after few days of giving birth to my second baby. The truth is that I wasn’t mentally and physically ready and strong enough to be induced. I was in shock when I realised that I could not cope with sleepless nights, healing myself, looking after my first born, my husband and the house. On top of this I was taking medication for a vaginal infection when I eventually ended up having mastitis as breast feeding wasn’t progressing as I expected.

I started neglecting myself to the point that I was not able to eat and drink enough, I was not able to take care of myself and my baby. My thoughts became darker and darker ending up to a spiral of depression I would never expected. My hormones were all over the place. I wasn’t able to reach for help, to express how much I was struggling. Past trauma went on surface and I ended up letting my primitive brain taking over. I was in fight and fly mode most of the time and some other time I got freeze and numb. To the point of detachment from feelings. 

I was struggling bonding with my new born baby and I was anxious about killing him somehow or that he would have die soon.

The thoughts were so wild and negative to the point of being not present in my own self and my family. I just wanted to run away as I felt like I didn’t deserved to live.

After more or less three weeks from my child birth I rang 999 and I explained that I wanted to end my life. Even if is such a desperate thing to do it’s in that moment that I actually reached for help. Just when I reached the lowest possible point of survival.

Thanks to that call I met the mental health crisis team and eventually after some resistance I was hospitalised at the Green Heaven in Nottingham. I cannot give thanks enough for the care I received from the NHS angels. All of them helped me to heal and rebuild the love and confidence in myself that I somehow lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore and what I was capable of. I just wish I knew more about postnatal depression in order to understand more the symptoms and how to deal with them. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason so I am grateful for who I am becoming now I can see a new light and I am enjoying every single moment of my life with my little family.