"EMDR therapy"

I was on the waiting list for just under 2 years so when I was informed of my appointment I was unsure whether I still wanted to access the therapy. A month after starting my therapist went on long term sickness, and I was allocated a different therapist. 

I was unsure whether I wanted to begin again with someone new as I struggle to trust professionals due to past trauma, but I'm so glad that I did.

Everything has changed since I have been having this therapy, and I'm now living the life I only dreamt about. I have been in and out of therapy for 20 plus years, endless sessions of CBT, DBT, different counsellors, psychologists and psychotherapists. I told myself this was my last time of having therapy, with the hope that I may be able to move on.

EMDR is tough, it takes your mind back to places you never want to go, it brings back feelings you thought you had dealt with...but in the end it also brought me peace and validation that I didn't deserve the things that had happened to me.

At first the process of EMDR can be difficult to understand, and even harder to trust the process. I had doubts whether this could help me but knew that I needed to give it a chance. Watching the light and focusing on a memory,  understanding how my mind linked to other memories and processing them to reduce the distress level was physically and emotionally exhausting. 

I built up a trust with my therapist who took the time to listen and to validate how I was feeling. She never  dismissed or minimised what I have experienced , unlike other professionals in the past. She gave me the time I needed to process how I was feeling and no question I asked was ever ridiculed.

Some sessions were harder than others as time went on. I would apologise for being upset but my therapist provided a safe, calm, non judgemental and consistent space for me to process the memories and emotions I experienced.  On the really bad days she provided me with physical objects to help with grounding and spent time with me working out what would benefit me the most to help reduce unnecessary distress. 

Some of the memories and experiences I processed were from 20 years ago. For so long I carried the feelings such as shame, and to finally be free from that is a huge weight off my shoulders, and something I did not think would be possible. 

For the first time, I have a future that I'm looking forward to. I want to live and I want to make plans, and the work with my therapist has made me see that I am deserving of this future, again something I've never believed before. I will forever be grateful for the patience and compassion my therapist showed me, to allow me to get to where I am now.