"The opportunity to get the help I needed"

I felt lost and frightened and had no confidence personally or within the world I live in.

Forty-one years ago I lost my beautiful baby boy. He was born full term and died within an hour. From then on my life became a struggling, isolated, false sham. Everyone saw "Good old me", up for anything, fun, caring, someone to go to for help. Underneath, the real me struggled to breathe, cope, and deal with life. I was petrified of anything happening to my four other beautiful children, so much that I would have nightmares when they went out, believing that something horrific would happen. These nightmares occurred when I was asleep and awake.

I trusted no one, especially medics. Just going to a GP caused massive panic attacks, either about my children or myself. I believed in the cruel, evil stories and ideas that my frightened, doubtful self would listen to, adding to my fears and panics.

During my children's growing up, each one to me was threatened. During pregnancy with my daughter, I had a threatened miscarriage. Thankfully, at full term she was born healthy. When another of my children was two years old, he picked up salmonella. This again was another threat to take my baby away from me. Thankfully, after ten days, my son made a full recovery.

When one of my sons was 9 months old, he was very ill with bronchiolitis and was rushed to hospital, where I was advised to have him christened. Thankfully, with the right drugs and my determination he got over this and came home.

When my then 10 year old daughter became ill with severe abdominal pains. I took her to the GP who gave antibiotics for a UTI. She became worse during the summer holidays; I kept taking her back to different GPs, who seemed not to listen to me. When she started fitting, I took her to the GP who sent her to hospital. There, I met a consultant who called me "a paranoid mother." It was after all only a water infection. M was gravely ill and had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix, she also had septicaemia and I was told her condition was critical. We stayed in hospital nearly two weeks and it took months for her to thankfully get back to normal.

All of these things that happened seemed to me like bigger threats to take my children away from me. The negative voices that I listened to and believed became stronger, nastier, and took over everything in my life. My eating habits became poor, hardly eating anything. I was extremely anxious and became very depressed, frightened of everything and other people. I believed I was useless, stupid, no one liked me. I was weak and inferior and had nobody to talk to.

In the autumn of 2024, I "cracked" at work. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I was so scared and out of my depth. Two colleagues stayed with me as I poured out all my feelings and what had happened when I lost my baby. It was then that I referred myself to Talking Therapies. I'm so thankful that I did.

I was offered EMDR counselling with Darren. This has really helped me so very much. I can honestly say I now don't blame myself for what happened to my son. I'm really starting to fight back with negative ideas and thoughts. I have recently turned and talked to close friends if I have a worry or fear. I noticed how this is having a positive effect on me too. I'm reading a book recommended by Darren called "Overcoming Low Self-Esteem" by Melanie Fennel, a really good and helpful book. I wrote down some of my fears and look at them again later; this too I find helpful. EMDR has had a huge positive impact on me and I will continue to use everything I have learned. I know there will be times when I could struggle and things don't always go to plan, but I will continue to work at the more difficult times.

My sincere thanks to Darren and the team that gave me the opportunity to get the help I needed. I am extremely grateful.