"Felt like they wanted to get me in and out quickly"

5 months ago, I welcomed my son into the world via C-section and it is only now that I feel able to talk about it.

The surgery team were absolutely brilliant; they made me feel so at ease, were incredibly supportive and kind and listened to me and my wishes. However, I did not at all have a good experience on the maternity ward after my section.

There were a number of things that made my stay in hospital a horrible experience and in the end I couldn't wait to get home. This was my first baby and so I had little idea of what I was doing, although I had attended classes and watched countless videos online.

I hadn't slept properly in days and because I was trying to exclusively breastfeed, I was having to wake every hour or 2 to feed my baby. I was so exhausted that I started to hallucinate, at one point I actually thought that I was going to die. My partner was so concerned that he called in a midwife who just told us not to worry and that I was just tired. That was it. No other help was offered. I begged the midwife to let my partner stay so he could take the baby and let me get some rest but I was told he wasn't allowed. Finally, my partner only agreed to leave if the midwives took my baby for a few hours to let me sleep.

During the first night, I asked for help with breastfeeding as I didn't think my son was getting much milk. The midwife looked at me, said the latch looked perfect and to just continue doing what I was doing. I asked if they could stay with me a while to watch and make sure and they said that the ward is really busy and they were understaffed and that I should just keep going and I'll be fine. I have never felt more alone in my life than in that moment. Eventually, I decided to top up my baby with formula because I received next to no breastfeeding support. I felt like a complete failure and my breastfeeding journey ended a few weeks after due to an undersupply of milk. I was devastated.

The whole experience in hospital just felt like they wanted to get me in and out as soon as possible and it's made me dread the idea of having another baby out of fear of having to go back. 

I should also say that I primarily blame the fact that midwives are under so much pressure and that wards are understaffed but something has to change. Women should not be treated like this at the most vulnerable time in their lives.