"My healing journey"

Writing this is hard but I need to for so long I’ve carried what happened to me in silence letting it live inside me for so long like a shadow sometimes the memories are so sharp they feel like they happened only yesterday other times they feel distant as if I’m watching someone else’s story but it was mine and it changed everything when I was abused.

I lost something that everyone deserves the right to feel safe in there own body, my body became place of fear instead of safety and I didn’t know how to take it back. I froze when it happened I couldn’t scream I couldn’t fight for years and still do blame my self for that.

I thought silence meant weakness now I understand it meant survival my body did what it needed to do to keep me alive still the shame wrapped itself around my neck pulling tighter than ever I thought it was my fault I wondered if I had done something wrong in life to deserve this pain and hurt and most of all why me that self blame became a cage. I didn’t know how to brake out of I stayed quiet for many years didn’t tell a soul.

I wanted to erase it to pretend it never happened but it never left me it shows up in nightmares, I suffer flashbacks, PTSD. I jump whenever I am touched I fear being alone with people I should trust. My silence hasn’t protected me it only made me feel more alone the first time I told anyone I shook all over my voice felt small like it might disappear before my story came out. But they listened they said I believe you those words meant more than I can ever explain for the first time ever I didn’t feel alone in my nightmare.

My healing hasn’t been easy, some days I feel some what strong but most days I crumble. I’ve learned healing isn’t a straight path or process it’s more like waves some crashing some gentle but all of them are carrying me through in some way shape or form, therapy has helped a little for years.

I’ve hated doing anything regards to it I’m learning my body is still mine its carried me through it all trauma tears and everything else it deserves love not the punishment it has endured over the years, self harm, the destruct mode. I still struggle and get triggers sometimes, smells or even words or phrases take me back instantly, it feels unfair someone else’s actions left marks that follow me everywhere but remind my self I survived means am stronger than what happened to me. There’s no anger too anger the person who hurt me, anger the silence of people who should of protected me, anger at the world that often doubts survivors instead of believing them.

Some days it can overwhelm them some days it can add fuel to help heal them I tell my self I can do this and will I’m learning to hold space for both pain and joy I’ve had moments were I’ve laughed and cried and moments of peace and pain these moments reminds me that am hear today.

I was born a fighter, I’m never gunna give in but I couldn’t of done it without PFG or one amazing women who works within people focused group that women is Megan, she’s been my rock from the beginning thank you.