"The Journey of Completing The Complex Needs Service Course"

I remember watching an episode of Hollyoaks and Gemma Atkinson’s character self harmed due to the stress in her life. That’s the first time I tried it due to the stress in my life, I was 15. The last time I self harmed I was in my mid-30s. Whilst I had short periods where I abstained from it, it took 22 years for me to finally stop. I stopped due to the work I did during my time with CNS and the clinicians who made me see things differently, taught me skills I thought I’d never use and not rewrite the past, but definitely shape the future.

Intervention from psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health nurses started for me at 18, I tried everything. I saw private psychiatrists, read books, saw NHS doctors, spent time in psychiatric wards, in resus, in police cells even, for my safety. I studied to be a mental health nurse and dropped out because for over 15 years I was running from myself and medicating with prescribed meds that zombified me for years. I didn’t feel too bad, because I didn’t feel at all.

During my assessment phase with CNS I spoke to the most genuine, intelligent, insightful clinician I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking to. For the first time I felt heard and validated and that validation was sincere. I felt like this was possibly the beginning of the end for my dark days. Before the assessment I was nonchalant about being accepted, after the assessment I feared not being suitable.

When group work started I was initially hesitant as everyone has different learning styles, some people shy away from group discussion and we’ve all had different life experiences. However, I quickly learnt we were bonded by mental health turmoil that had plagued our lives, impacted our relationships and changed the way our ideal lives had mapped out.

We shared how we had dealt with certain situations during the week when we fed back homework. It was insightful how different people approached difficult issues, what they struggled with, what skills they’d used and what the outcome was. I learnt a lot from those homework sessions.

When I realised we did the same modules twice I questioned why, but after doing them I soon realised that you miss things the first time round and it really cemented the skills. You went from learning how to implement them to implementing them without even thinking about it. Where I may have subconsciously self harmed or drank too much before treatment, I was subconsciously using the pro’s and con’s skill, or using wise mind automatically.

The changes are subtle, so much so that you don’t realise them yourself, it’s more the people around you. You get you’re different or I can talk to you more openly now without you overreacting like I thought you used to.

However, I did experience negative reactions to me changing. In fact I haven’t seen my brother in 2 years and have only emailed him 3 times in that time to share sad family news. I realised that the relationship wasn’t giving me what I needed anymore and because I voiced that I don’t think he liked the new me. Whilst I am still incredibly sad about that as he is my only sibling, I’m not going to force something that isn’t there.

I do think it is important to highlight the fact that changing for the better in relation to your mental health can result in the loss of some close relationships, I for one wasn’t prepared for that. My parents missed the first year of my son’s life and whilst we’re on speaking terms now, it took a lot of heartache and forgiveness to get to where we are.

Personally, I found the graduate phase, graduate appointments and graduate group the worst part of the CNS journey. It was highlighted to me that some patients can create drama due to the fear evoked by the ending of treatment. Whilst I did not do that, I think it was felt that I did. Unfortunately, the timing of my son being born, my family’s estrangement and CNS ending, happened within months. I felt completely abandoned by CNS, I was reminded of my 4, one hour graduate appointments whenever I asked for help. If I saw my GP, rang the crisis team, spoke to Worcester Talking Therapies, I was simply signposted to those 4 appointments as it felt like that was a get out of jail free card for any professional I spoke to.

When I experienced two miscarriages in 4 months, I was again denied support and it was suggested I took my grief to graduate group, which I think is just not appropriate, even now. This was the hardest part for me in my CNS journey. However, it forced me to dig deep, be more resilient than I have ever been and drag myself out from the darkest rabbit hole I’ve ever spent time in. It was tough love maybe, I don’t know. But ultimately, I survived, I’m now nearly 5 months pregnant with our baby girl and the dark days are few and far between. When they do happen I let myself feel the emotions and make the best choice for me and therefore my family. I am future focused on getting my well established career back on track when our children start school, I genuinely do not think I would’ve written that sentence 4 years ago and if I had I wouldn’t have believed it. So for that, I will be forever grateful for my CNS journey.

It wasn’t perfect, but nothing in life is. What’s important is what you choose to do with situations life throws at you when the journey is over. Thank you to all.