"Birth experience struggling in postpartum"

My whole birth experience was a mess to the stage it has completely ruined my postpartum experience and I am currently working with the perinatal mental health team to try and cope with everything that happened

I was initially booked in for an induction as she was thought to be a bigger baby, but this was changed to a c section as we found out the week before that she was transverse, so the morning of the c section we were gowned up and ready to go when the scanned again and apparently she was now head down, so I was immediately told to have an induction instead, that the c section was too dangerous and told all the horror stories of what could go wrong and how awful it was (which of course terrified me when it did end in a c section 4 days later anyways!), as a first time mum I felt completely pressured into an induction that I did not want and made very clear i did not want, I was also told the induction would take 24 hours, when in reality there was already women there waiting 2 days in the induction bay for rooms to open up but no one mentioned it could be a few days wait

Along the way I feel like the communication was non existent, no one told me what the next steps were and I had to keep asking for updates on what was happening

After balloon insertion I was left in so much pain and kept having to chase someone to get some of the water removed and some kind of pain relief, and I know they were busy but i kept being told it would be 2 mins which it never was

I also have a huge fear of needles, so the fact that the cannulas kept being inserted incorrectly made the whole experience even worse, my hand had swollen so massively and I had to ask 3 different midwives before someone agreed that something was wrong, in the end I think I had to have it reinserted 7 times, to the point the doctor struggled to find another vein to take blood from, the worst part about this was that after my waters were broken and the drip was started, it took 6 hours to realise the cannula wasn’t inserted correctly, so 6 hours of contraction pains did basically nothing

They were struggling to monitor baby so needed to put the clip on baby’s head during labour, this was possibly the most pain I have ever been in, it was absolutely horrific and felt like it went on for hours

Again with the fear of needles I wanted to avoid the epidural, but after the 6 hours wasted then the contractions suddenly getting so intense we did request it but was told it would be an hour long wait, so made the decision to have diamorphine in the meantime so it would kick in and take the edge off during the epidural insertion, but it was 5 hours later before I got it and the morphine had worn off and I had a full on panic attack while getting the epidural because the contractions were so intense and I was so terrified of the needle

In the end there was basically no progress, I think baby was back to back all along (which I was never told when they scanned me 4 days earlier) and from what the doctor said I’m pretty sure she had moved again and there was no chance she was coming out without the c section that I wanted to go ahead with 4 days previously but was refused

Then to top it all off I was terrified of the c section because of how dangerous I was told it was 3 days earlier, and during the c section heard them talking about being unable to stop the bleeding and thought I was going to die

I understand it was a very busy time but there was a constant lack of communication and dismissal of my needs and concerns , if they knew she was a bigger baby and that she was still moving around the morning of the planned c section, I don’t understand why they were so insistent on my having an induction instead and pressuring me into it when they knew it was a few days wait and she could easily move again

My whole postpartum experience was completely ruined, I feel like I missed out on so much with my newborn because I was struggling so much with everything that happened and pretty much spent weeks in tears until I was able to get help from the perinatal mental health team and started on antidepressants, there is so much of these few days in hospital that I have completely blacked out and don’t even remember which makes it even harder trying to get over it all, I just feel like it all could have been avoided if I had of been allowed to go ahead with the c section as originally planned, but what i wanted was completely dismissed and Important information was left out so I was unable to make an informed decision which I think is what I’m struggling with the most, we’re told all along that it’s our choice, but when it comes down to it that’s not how we’re treated at the time

I was also told by multiple midwives and my health visitor to request a debrief, which was put though, but it has come back that I won’t be getting one as they are no longer offered (if they are not offered why are we being told to request one?) , but I feel this is one of the main things that would benefit me as there is so much I don’t understand and don’t remember about the whole experience!