"Going round in circles"

As a lifelong suicidal man who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, and told that I'm 'probably' autistic, any actual care, let alone treatment, by the NHS has been farcical. 

No one seems to know or care what's wrong with me. There clearly is because I often think about and have occasionally attempted suicide. I was on the maximum amount of antidepressants when I recently voluntarily spent some time in hospital, as my parents couldn't cope with me anymore and I thought it should actually help me, but it has made me worse and I'm still going over and over the trauma of it all, every day. 

I've been offered no treatment for my diagnosis and when I do go to the doctor about the autism referral that the mental health services keep going on about, and I tell them that I'm still suicidal, it seems they just don't want to know. When I phone 111, nothing happens. I'm denied CMHT support and I just get told to get an autism referral. As a result I just feeling so completely used, useless and fobbed off as though I really don't matter. I've got no one else to turn to and consistently feel so let down by everyone and everything. I only stay alive because I don't want to let my kids down and I mask how I feel as much as I can when I spend time with them, otherwise their mum won't let me see them.

I'm afraid that I'll do an impulsive act that could actually prove fatal, if I work out how to get it right, but I keep fighting against it. It can't be right, as in 'it's just who I am' and 'I need to accept who I am'. No one understands but no one seems to try either, other than pointless processing that just goes round in circles.

I don't think writing this will go anywhere. I've written to PALS before, when I was in hospital. They just ignored me. I went to the parliamentary ombudsman, who just told me to complain to the NHS, which I have, through PALS, and they don't want to know.

I know health services are broken, as everyone does. But the way I've been treated (or rather haven't been treated) just takes the piss. It really does. The NHS, the local authority. They've been so useless, obstructive and uncaring, despite giving the impression that they are doing all they can.