"A new me, a new world"

I was addicted to gambling. I just didn't know how much/far it had got.

Until one day I was sat on my bed the same day as payday crying that all my money had gone and it was half term and I had spent all my money on gambling and had no money to take my daughter out or do anything with her. No money to get any food in. Half term and no money to get food in! Imagine getting paid and no money, the same day you get paid. 

So, i sit on my bed knowing enough was enough. I google 'help for gambling', and come across West Midlands Gambling Harms Clinic. I send an email they get back to me quite quickly. I have a initial appointment to discuss the options and whether I am 'eligible' for their programme.

I met with Luiz on Teams. We talked. About a lot of things.

A lot of things are going on in life right now, you couldn't write how many things happen at once. My way to deal with it is to gamble. That little or big win, makes me feel good for a few seconds. 1 quid game site to £1000 cash. Then, I spend it all back on it. Noone is a winner here apart from them. Along with everything going on, I'm feeling even worse that I'm winning £1000 and losing it straight away.

Luiz agrees to get me onto the programme straight away.

So I start my first Teams meeting, should be 9 other people, probably 4 turn up. Then my Teams doesn't work 3 weeks in.

I get moved to a new group, the anxiety of starting over, meeting new people, again. Talking about it all. The embarrassment, shame. But this time, it's different. Again another 9 people should join, but only me and 3 others do. Another 1 drops out. Leave me and 2 others. Relieved really as, these other 2 people really get me. I get them. It was meant to be this way.

We all had our own problems. We never judged each of us, we really started to bond over this crazy part of life. We all realised how much gambling had messed up our lives and how much we had all lost in our own ways. Each week we would join anticipating to share if we had gambled or not, then one week the other 2 hadn't gambled for a few weeks now, but I did that week. Not a lot, but I still did it. Disgusted and ashamed with myself I had to sit in that Teams meeting and admit that I had gambled to them. They didn't judge me, to my shock. They supported me, they helped me through it. By this point we had a WhatsApp group too, something NHS aren't allowed to give and make happen, but they can't say no if we share our numbers in the chat. So we did, and let me tell you doing so made a hell of a difference in the week between the meeting when things was hard and any of us had the urges to gamble. We would jump on the WhatsApp group to each other and support each other until the urges had gone. I really made 2 friends for life on here. Through all the craziness, I made 2 friends that don't judge me for doing something so shameful.

A few weeks in to this 10 week programme we are asked if 2 other people can join due to something happening to their group, we anticipated at the start, as we had such a good bond we didn't know how this would go.

Anyway, we decided to let them join, and they was nice enough, joined and we all got on. We finished out 10 week sessions. I didn't make the last one, but I did make the catching up session and it was just Luiz the therapist and the 2 OG's joined. What a difference!! What a difference this is to when we first started. We all look and sound so well. We haven't gambled. We know we have each other on the WhatsApp group if we need to.

I have taken my daughter away 2 or 3 times since starting this group, and we are due to go away again.

We have had several piercings together, been to our first gigs together. Separately, she went to hers and I went to mine. Something I could only ever dream of doing when I was gambling. 

I have realised when I was gambling I was only existing, now I am living in every single moment. Taking it all in. It is a joy. Such a joy.

I will be forever grateful for Luiz and the 2 people I met in this group, I am currently 2 months and 17 days gamble free, I won't know if it'll be forever but I can only hope it was the start of something new. A new me, a new world. A better one for me and my daughter. 

Take the help if you feel you are ready, I promise you won't regret it. I know we don't.