"Leaving more confidently to have a happy life"

I got here on a sunny late May morning - I'd had a few drinks before I came, so I could not leave my room straightaway, but that was cool, because I didn't want to anyway. I was far from being sociable as had isolated for so long. Eventually, my alcohol reading went down enough for me to start medication, which helped a lot, as I was not feeling good by then - very anxious, sweaty and panicky.

The meds worked quickly and I soon felt a lot better. I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, except for having medication downstairs. I did not sleep well that night, so I asked for extra meds as I felt I needed them, and I was given two more pills which really helped.

The second day, I also stayed in my room until about ten and I went down for some breakfast and (I'd be brought up teas) as I was starting to feel hungry - something I was not used to feeling!!  I barely ate when I was drinking actively. So it was great to get something down me, and soon after I ate lunch and met everyone who were also detoxing here (in various stages). 

Everyone was lovely and we all supported each other. I did not join in any groups the first few days, but on the third day I tried the meditation (which I love!)  and then we had a group in the afternoon, and talked about how our addiction affected us, and what we'd like to change. It felt good to write it all down, actually and to talk to other addicts about it all. Because only they really understand what the pain and endless suffering is like!

After that, I did groups and meditation everyday. My medication was starting to get reduced at this time. In the evenings I would watch films sometimes, with the other residents, but I did kind of get scared about the reducing of the medication, but I think that is pretty normal. I guess a lot of us are scared to face reality - I know I have been for a long, long time. I feel I'm only just starting to understand myself, but this place has helped me massively!  The staff are so nice and you can talk to them anytime about any worries/problems you may have and without any judgement. I was lucky to get two weeks as I only got 7 days last time, and I did not feel it was long enough to get to know myself again!  Two weeks is soo much better!

As the week went on, obviously I stopped the medication for the alcohol withdrawals, and slowly started to feel more myself, which is good and bad, as a lot of emotions start to come back and it can feel confusing and scary sometimes, but this is my 6th detox and I (in my heart) know it is my final one. I'm too bloody old for all this addiction business now. I'm freaking 50! It's about time I finally faced reality, instead of hiding away from life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. For instance, last year I did not even go to the beach, which is one of my favourite things to do. 

The rooms are great at Dame Carol's. I find mine tranquil and it is a nice place to escape to, which I needed sometimes to do. It is nice to have an ensuite too. Everything is at the same time everyday, so you get into a routine, which I think is important for life, anyway.  My daughter needs a routine also. Infact most people do, and I have not had one for so long!

This place helps you to start thinking about how you'd like your life to be "out in the real world" and I think that's important, as I know I do need to change a few things and DEFINITELY stay sober. I honestly have no intention to ever have a drink again. I know I cannot see into the future and I know there will be heartache and bad things, but if I can learn the tools to deal with the stresses of life, I will be ok!  This is why I am going to attend AA and NA groups in my area as soon as I leave tomorrow.

I will be sad to leave but also happy and I'm very proud of myself for sticking it out as it's not always easy!  I look forward to the future, with a bit of anxiety, but all in all I'm confident I will be able to live a happy life!