"Patronising and inappropriate comments from doctor"

As a first time mum, I have been so disappointed by the lack of continuity of care. I have seen 4 different midwives and 2 doctors and am only 28 weeks. I have not once seen the same person twice. This has made it difficult to feel known and understood.

Despite both myself and my husband being nhs professionals, I do feel nervous accessing healthcare myself - working in the system does not make you exempt from the failures of the system unfortunately. 

We are planning on having a planned section, and we had an appointment to finalise and agree this as the plan. All reasons agreed and validated by several members of staff prior. Ultimately, it is with the view of minimising risk of traumatic birth, because unfortunately we have both encountered this in our working lives, as well as some personal factors.

I was open about going in to labour early being a fear for me, and enquired around the process should this happen - being fully informed and accepting already around the reality that this could result in vaginal delivery. Of course this is a worry, given it would mean the risks which had driven the initial decision to seek a section.

 I would not expect false reassurance and know the NHS well enough to know that this is not possible or appropriate. What I was seeking, however, was a practical description of the process. I didn’t not get this.

Keeping in mind, I find these appointments uncomfortable, I had met the doctor for less that 5 minutes, I’m struggling with insomnia and exhausted, and I was being spoken patronisingly (which had my back up), with no recognition that we also work within the nhs systems, rather than having my questions answered. I have no doubt my discomfort and unease was written all over my face. I was asked if I had spoken with anyone to get help with this, implying mental health support, to which I responded that it was a normal worry, not disrupting my day to day, and not something that I was unaccepting of, but something I simply needed clarification of process around, recognition that yes, this is a big worry and of the reasons why, but that I was accepting of the reality.  Whilst trying to articulate my reasons why this was a worry, they cut me off and then highlighted that whilst they did know I had professional knowledge, they asked because my face looked like that of someone who was terrified by the prospect of vaginal delivery. I was absolutely appalled by this statement. A) because it is incorrect, and b) because it then shut down my entire consultation, due to how shaming and judgemental it felt. I appreciate my face likely looked anxious, but an appropriate question would have been ‘you look worried, what is most concerning for you’, which would have facilitated a supportive discussion, and an understanding of my perspective. I felt insulted, shamed, judged, belittled and humiliated. 

They then spoke at me for the following 5 minutes about contraception, describing each in detail, without once asking about prior knowledge or plan, including the tying of tubes, which is not and never had been on the agenda. Again, an appropriate place to start would have been ‘what would your current preferences be for contraception post birth’. And then I signed the consent from. 

Ultimately we left the consultation with none of my questions asked or answered, no concerns validated or discussed, and largely because I just shut down after the prior. I left in tears, knowing that the next time I enter that building will be to have my baby, and that I don’t even have the continuity of a community midwife who knows me to address this with, and help put my mind at ease.

I have been so very disappointed with maternity care so far, with zero continuity, littered with judgement, during a very challenging time due to wider things we have had to navigate, on top of a first pregnancy. The audacity of the doctor in question, and the inappropriateness of the comments, might mean very little to them, but will certainly never leave me, and does not fill me with hope for a positive birth experience at this hospital. 

There wouldn’t be enough words for the dreadful experience I also had with one of the midwives on the past visit, who didn’t introduce herself, stated they couldn’t understand why I was there (even though I was sent, had not asked, following booking), told me to make sure I felt my baby by 24 weeks (despite no mother having control over that, let alone me being only 16 weeks at the time), and told me off for not having been able to urinate yet. Interestingly, the consultant that previous day, was wonderful, respectful, and spoke to us like equal human beings. 

A different midwife we saw, on the other hand, was excellent, and a glimmer of light, effective communication and professionalism. 

There is evidently a real ‘hit and miss’ to the service.