"Completely abandoned"

I've been fighting for help with my mental health for as long as I can remember but the last 3 years have been brutal. I've reached out to so many different services and I'm constantly being made to jump through hoops. I've got PTSD, EUPD and ADHD and I'm suffering with my anger. I've cried and I've begged and nobody will help me, it's getting to the point I'm having almost psychotic angry outbursts nearly every day  and it's affecting every single area of my life. I'm a truly broken man and I've lost all hope in being happy or wanting to be a part of this world. There is only cannabis that helps me sleep and eat cope with physical pain and also with keeping a lid on my impulsive decisions and without it I cannot live a normal life.

Talking therapies have recently offered me 20 sessions of therapy that in their own words, I desperately need...before I become a danger to my self or others. It scares me to death that I don't leave the house anymore. I'm on disability benefits and I don't have a lot of money but they have refused to give me these sessions I desperately need until I quit smoking cannabis because they said it won't work if I'm high during the treatment. I've told them I would not smoke it on the days going to treatment and they said that was fine... then backtracked and said I need to work with Aspire until they say I'm clean and happy to start treatment. But i cannot afford to get transport to yet another appointment I shouldn't need. Also I've had major back surgery and that deters me from making all these journeys. I've told them I will cut it down to nightly use and yet again they accepted this as being fine .. to yet another call back to say they need to know I'm maintaining not smoking it.. which would be pure judgement on them, no test, just if they say they think I'm not stoned and I would have to wait a few months to start this treatment.

I've been waiting 3 years already and I need this treatment now! They're killing me... I've agreed to work with them and majorly cut down, but I feel like they are using my treatment as a bargaining chip to push their agenda on smoking cannabis. I've done my research and they should not deny me this treatment because of their views on drugs.

I'd like to add that the girl who i have been speaking to face to face was absolutely amazing and i fully believe her intentions were to genuinely help me get better and find some happiness. But these decisions are ones made above her and she has no option but to do what her superiors suggest. But as a person and professional, she's brilliant, i really felt like i could open up and she understood how i was feeling. This filled me with hope that i was finally on the tracks to having some sort of help and life again... only to be yet again cruelly shot down and sent back to square one.

Now i feel like there is completely no hope left for me or anyone suffering like me. The trauma I've experienced throughout my life so far has been cruel, violent and relentless and can't keep being what i wake up to, and it's making it worse that my cries for help are simply being turned down. Please help me before I end up dead or worse, this is no life for anybody. I've worked for over 15 years paying high rate tax into this system only to be completely abandoned by it when I need it the most.