"Therapy saved my life"

Two years ago I finally opened up to someone close to me about a lifetime of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I'd lived a life of excess, completely unaware that I was an addict, and had been since the age of 11. Unaddressed issues and me just wanting to try and keep pushing on meant that I got myself deeper and deeper into addiction and depression, one fuelling the other to the point where I felt that I couldn't take it any more. 

Losing my Father 10 years ago shattered my world and my addictive behaviour nearly took everything from me. That was until I finally opened up to a close friend, and my wife, about my troubles. That was when I booked a visit to see the local NHS Mental Health Nurse to ask for help. She was brilliant and didn't judge whatsoever, listening to my thoughts and concerns and helping to signpost me to a variety of services that may be of help.

Initial bereavement counselling, through the charity Maggies, helped me deal with the grief for the first time and allowed me to finally grieve and understand why I was in a spiral, which subsequently alleviated some of the pain. After four months of talking and learning some new coping skills, I went onto the next step to confront my addiction issues.

Being referred for porn addiction is something that is very embarrassing to admit and certainly one that I never thought was an addiction. Sitting down and watching 4-8 hours of porn to take the pain away was normal to me and something I'd utilised since my early teens, coupled with alcohol between the ages of 17-27.

I don't say this lightly, but my therapist has genuinely helped save my life. My addiction was much worse than I thought and understanding myself, my life, my history, my moods and experience of emotions, all helped me to get a better grip and slowly move myself away from both a life of addiction and intense suicidal thoughts, that were entwined.

I've spent the last 17 months going through porn addiction therapy and I've felt understood and listened to for the first time in my life. Not because I don't have people to listen to me, but because I've had someone that I've felt comfortable talking to about my problems.

Therapy has had its ups and downs, especially when I experienced a dip and couldn't understand why I was still addicted and would therefore experience the shame and guilt that came with it, but I've learnt to take a moment to experience emotions, realise I have a choice on how I react and give myself the best chance of living a good, happy life. This is something I never thought possible two years ago and now I have my life back.

I understand now that there is no quick fix for depression or addiction and it is a lifetime of recovery, taking small steps to be kind to myself and utilise the tools and coping skills I've learned. The future looks better for me and I'm a little nervous of moving forwards without therapy to support me directly but I also understand that I have groups like Andy's Man Club, that can help, and I now know I can ask for more help if I need it. I no longer have to live a secret life of depression and addiction, shame and guilt. I can choose to live a happy life and ask for help when I need it.

It's a strange feeling to finally understand that I have control over my own life and that there isn't some dark force or feeling that constantly pulls you down. Learning about myself and having a therapist allow me to explore myself and the solutions available to me has, once again, literally saved my life.

Without it, I truly don't believe I'd have made it this far.

The hard work continues and I'm better prepared for the battle ahead, fully intent on living my best life, doing my best to help others and doing my best to help myself.