"Haematology - Active Monitoring - When the stiff upper lip quivers."

I've been on Active Monitoring after Chemotherapy for a blood cancer (Waldenstroms Macroglobulinaemia) for a few years now.  Every three months I have blood taken, a couple of weeks later I see a consultant and we discuss the results. Normally not a problem, but for some reason at my last appointment I was very anxious.  I sat in the waiting room trying to analyse why I felt like I wanted to run away while feeling so tired I wasn't sure I was going to make it back home.

Stupidly, and more pertinently stubbornly, I didn't say any of this to the consultant! I'm fine...the usual reply to his, much appreciated, concern and kindness.  I left the consulting room and glanced at the Haematology Nurse's door...it was open...should I knock and just say Hi?  My internal monologue  continued with - No! Stop this nonsense...they're busy...just go home and be grateful your results are stable!

So I did go home and went straight to bed trying to put what I have learned at Mindfulness sessions (with Paul at the wonderful Fern Centre, NDDH) into practice.  Trying not to analyse but just be with the discomfort. After two or three hours I realised I felt hungry, thirsty and felt able to sit out in the garden and appreciate the rest of the day.

The next day I rang the dedicated phone number for the specialist Haematology Nurses and explained what had happened. It felt like if I said it out loud perhaps it would make more sense. Of course, Julie was immediately supportive (as she, and the rest of the the team, have always been) and gently suggested that, should there be a next time, I take that step and knock on their door or pick up the phone for a chat. 

I've seen some distressing incidents, in the past, and more recently caring for my terminally ill husband.  I like to think that I can cope with a lot of stuff, so the day I had a wobble was the day I made the shocking realisation that my own personal stuff is harder for me to process. But, now I know, thanks to the care and dedication of my (and that's how personal the care feels) team...that door in the Haematology corridor is always open to me, someone is always there to listen and support...I feel very fortunate and am grateful every day that care and support is always on hand.