"They didn't seem to care"

I have been a patient at nightingale for approximately two decades. I suffer from depression, anxiety a what I have been told is a “mood disorder”. 

I’d also like to be up front about the fact that I have a history of addiction and substance misuse that I have never been anything but completely honest about when dealing with them. 

I feel their general attitude has always been to minimise any contact or obligation to me and my healthcare and refer me to my local addiction service which is an entirely different conversation that nobody wants to have.

Anyway, I keep my expectations very low when it comes to asking for help from Nightingale. However having, lost my partner, job and recently become homeless after spending my birthday and Christmas in hospital, life has generally been getting pretty tough of late. 

Hackney have kindly provided me with emergency accommodation (which I am beyond grateful for!). I have been placed somewhere where I have no support network or friends though I am not complaining.

However the nights are quite loud and disruptive. I tried ear plugs and all kinds of things but suffice to say sleeping isn’t possible.

I’m trying incredibly hard to stay clean so my option seems to be to live nocturnally (which I tried for a while but it only worsens the depression, loneliness and isolation and I keep missing the shops). 

Having had a small amount of luck in the past with over the counter medication and I’m well aware of a doctors need to be mindful of drug seeking behaviour but I wasn’t asking for a strong prescription. Honestly, being denied for medication that you can purchase without one isn’t even what upset me enough to write this. 

I spoke to a GP who honestly sounded frustrated at even having to deal with my request. After I explained that I hadn’t slept more than a few hours in over four nights and that I really couldn’t cope, I felt like I was losing my mind and really didn’t want to turn to illegal drugs, they asked me if I was feeling suicidal. I have struggled with addiction for many years now and feelings of wanting to end your life can be common (or have been for me at least) however for all the times I have been asked that question I have never been particularly honest. This time I said I’m reluctant to say so but yes. I honestly don’t see the point in fighting so hard for a life this painful or something along those lines. 

I quickly reassured them that I was unlikely to act on these feelings because I didn’t want to cause a fuss and if I’m honest the chances of me taking my life that night felt slim. I’ve suffered far worse and just got on with it so i figured I’d just keep trying that. 

What shocked me was that a GP. After they listened to me crying desperately and begging for any kind of help. I felt I was very dispassionately told that it wasn’t really their or nightingale’s job to treat me and that I needed to find and register with a GP in south London. 

I do get this. I don’t really want to be in south any longer than necessary and hoped to be housed back closer where I grew up and lived my whole life soon. So finding a GP round here wasn’t high on my list. 

I guess I was just really surprised that a they could listen to and so clearly ascertain that the person they were talking to was in very serious distress.

I tried what I assumed was the correct thing to do in that situation and asked the appropriate professional for some medication so I could just get some sleep. 

I truly believe that if I had spoken with someone who I think at a bare minimum sounded like they cared. Maybe could’ve suggested a local practice in my new area? Even just offered some compassionate words of support I might be able to end this endless cycle of suffering that my life has spiralled into.