"Rediscovering myself"

I had been living in what I can now identify as a very abusive relationship where my mental health suffered terribly and over a period of 3.5 years of being fed constant negatives about myself and experiencing violence at times, I had lost all sense of self esteem and belief in myself. I had also lost hope and would wake every day dreading what the day may hold for me and wondering whether I’d get through it without experiencing crippling panic attacks and agoraphobia. I lived for bedtime when I could take a sleeping tablet and be at peace after clawing my way through every hour of wake barely surviving.

On occasion, I would become so overwhelmed with trying to juggle unbearable living conditions with having a lifelong anxiety disorder and trying to raise and financially support the whole household alone, I would drink enough to pass out as a way of self medicating, desperately trying to buy my brain enough rest-bite to be able to carry on. Having the instant relief that alcohol would give quickly turned to increases in my anxiety and actually only validated what my ex was feeding me - that I was useless and worthless and I found it harder and harder to want to come back to reality because my reality was too painful. I was at absolute rock bottom when I first met Georgia and Susie. I could see no way out and had completely lost myself. If it weren’t for my 3 children and the fact that I’m their only parent, I’d have “checked out permanently” many months before.

With empathetic ears and the most warm and approachable manners they soon gained my trust and for the first time I felt able to start to disclose the huge burdens of home life that I had been covering and carrying alone for so long. I found them to be a huge support, a friend who wanted to help - and friends were something that had been purposely "managed out" of my life to non existence by the controlling home regime to keep me feeling completely isolated.

They made me feel heard, understood and safe - something that I had not felt in what had felt like forever. Through a managing emotions course and weekly talking sessions I started to take back some control of my life. Understanding where the deeply negative feelings were coming from and why I was experiencing them made them more rational and less scary. Gradually I learned how to manage the extreme emotions that were a daily occurrence and had affected me increasingly badly over the years whilst living under the circumstances I was, I then understood that these emotions were natural and, more importantly, I had the strategies to stop running away from them and the ability to sit with them without being consumed.

Gradually over the sessions and with practice each day my confidence and resilience started to slowly re-emerge in me and I was able to feel that I could rekindle in myself the strong, independent mum that I had been previously who had guided and navigated herself and three amazing children through untold amounts of trauma. I had found some hope that the future could be different and over time I dreaded each day a little bit less and I started to enjoy life again. Understanding for the first time where the source of the problems in my life were resonating from and being able to talk about this and to receive reassurance that everything perhaps wasn’t all my fault (when for an age I had been putting a front on to literally everyone trying to mask a miserable existence) finally gave me the strength to break free.

Despite it being a turbulent time with the current physicality of living in temporary accommodation, and the threats and challenges I’m still experiencing, I can honestly say I haven’t wobbled once. I’ve tackled every difficult moment head on using the skills and techniques I’ve learned from working with Susie and Georgia and I can honestly say that, for the first time in forever, I am genuinely excited for the future. This has not only benefitted me but of course my amazing children who have, once again, the strong, capable and happy mum they need and deserve.

So whilst it will never feel like enough, I want to say thank you so much to you both - for believing in me during a time that I couldn’t believe in myself; for giving me hope and belief that things could be different and for guiding me through the skills and strategies that will last me a lifetime and have allowed me to take back control of my life. Forever grateful x