"She was there every step of the way"

A day before my due date, I went to the hospital unprepared for what was about to happen. I had had a reduction in movement so wanted to check everything was okay. Within 30 minutes, my daughter was placed on my chest via Emergency C Section.

This was something I hadn't prepared for and something that sent me and my partner into a state of shock. I had no idea what happened - I could not even bring myself to talk about or acknowledge the situation. I felt my body let my daughter down. I felt guilty saying the words "given birth" as I felt this was taken from me. I did not have this overwhelming feeling of love in that moment as I was consumed by shock. At that moment in time I felt less of a mother and less of a woman.

I have never been an anxious person but the time following the arrival of my daughter sparked anxiety on a whole new level. I felt someone would take her away from me as I didn't experience the labour, the pain, the pushing to bring her into the world.

I worried about everything - worried she would be ill or catch a cold as a way of punishing me. I developed a need to repeat the same thing every day in the same order as a way to maintain control. I did this as I could not control the anxiety I felt regarding the situation. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognise myself.

All I saw was an empty shell and a scar. A scar that I could not wear with pride as I did not know the story behind it. My postpartum journey was supposed to be a beautiful thing but often it was a battle just to be able to cope through the day. I was not a pleasure to be around and did not want people around me. My daughter was my safe space.

After reaching out for help, Nicola visited. For the first time I spoke of how I felt in detail. I was never questioned nor interrupted - she listened to every word.

Even early on, I was reminded that I am doing great although at that point I could not see how that was possible. Again, Nicola came near enough every week and listened whilst offering methods that may help. This included writing down thoughts of the day as the day comes to an end. This is something I still do now.

As a Mother in those early stages I questioned my ability. Nicola was always there to remind me that I need not question myself and that in fact I am a beautiful mother to my daughter. I can honestly say that without Nicola being there to support me, I would not be the mother I am today.

Though the trauma of my daughters birth still remains a part of who I am, I am no longer consumed by it. I am more than what happened to me and Nicola made me see that. I sometimes get overwhelmed and cry when I look at my daughter but it is no longer with sadness. It is with happiness and gratitude. I carried her and she is healthy no matter how she arrived.

When I wake up in the mornings now I feel like a mother to my daughter. We go out, we socialise, we do activities. She has slotted into our lives perfectly. I can be me whilst also being a mother and Nicola I thank you for that.

My scar is now a reminder not of how weak I thought I was, but of how strong I have always been and I wear it every single day with pride.

Nicola, you truly are a blessing. Thank you for your support, your company and your time. Thank you for being there every step of the way and reminding me that I had it in me all along. Thank you for enabling me to enjoy every precious moment with my daughter.