"I recognise how important those sessions were"

Someone very close to me died as a result of a fatal road traffic collision. I tried to save him but couldn’t and always felt like I had failed him. For years this feeling of failure affected everything I did. No matter how successful I was at anything I struggled to accept compliments etc, It was worse when I was criticised, I just felt useless.

I wasn’t aware of how those feelings from that day dictated everything I did. For 20yrs I carried this until I broke. I finally felt strong enough to look for help. For several years I have had counselling , CBT, seen several consultant psychiatrists, psychologists, been on various medications, abused alcohol, you get the picture.

In June this year I started trauma focussed CBT with Southern trust.

For the next 6 months I went through the events of that day bit by bit. It was the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. Slowly I was able to revisit those events without falling to pieces, I visited the place where it happened, a road I had avoided for 20yrs, my therapist Siobhan and I went through it piece by piece until I was able to talk about it without breaking down.

It was extremely difficult but I recognise how important those sessions were.

It doesn’t matter how long you think you can hide trauma, IT WILL haunt you, follow you, and if you let it like I did, dictate your life. There will come a point when you will break, fortunately I had the help from Siobhan who guided me through the process. If I had any advice to anyone who has experienced trauma and is struggling, GET HELP, STOP THE AVOIDANCE, it will never go away.

The help I got didn’t erase the feelings or thoughts I had from that day, but they did make me realise that there was absolutely nothing i or anyone else could do for him that day, I wasn’t a failure, I wasn’t useless, I did everything I possibly could. Had I got help or indeed been offered help around the time of that day I may have avoided all these issues, however that didn’t happen and I have to try and move on or this trauma will keep dictating my life.