"At home midwife care"

I was expecting my first baby. She wasn't planned but I was delighted. I've always wanted children but had never been in the right relationship until now. Coming from an abusive background, it had been difficult to find healthy relationships that didn't mirror my past abusive ones. I was so excited to be expecting a baby but I was also terrified and anxious about everything. I was so scared throughout the pregnancy that I was going to lose the baby, because I wanted her too much. So much had gone wrong I'm my life, I expected more of the same.

I followed the NHS health care advice to the letter and was still scared and anxious for the safety and wellbeing of my baby. I was convinced that around every corner tragedy and or doom lurked. Every bit of food I consumed could potentially harm her. A loud noise could deafen her. I'd miscarry because I didn't really deserve her. My fears stemmed from my own abusive childhood experiences. My mother had been physically, mentally and emotionally abusive since my father died from an undiagnosed genetic disorder, which I also have. My mother would tell me constantly how I ought to have died along with my father as I have the same genetic defect as him. I was defective in her eyes and therefore damaged and disposable. I was simply less than what she expected from her daughter. I tried to please her and be the best, all my childhood and into my 20s, but all that did was damage me and destroy my sense of self worth. I was never good enough and she used my desire to be loved and accepted as a weapon to use and hurt me. I last saw my mother ten years ago.

I had so many fears and anxieties. I knew I wasn't my mother and I would never repeat her abuse, but the feelings of inadequacy, rejection and worthlessness remained in me, well into adulthood. They still linger within me. Faintly but there they remain and I doubt they'll ever really go away. My mother isn't in my life anymore but I've internalised her abuse beautifully. I now beat myself up mentally and emotionally about everything to a lesser or greater degree. I've sought psychotherapy to address these issues in the past but it's a lifelong work in progress and I found that to be all to true during pregnancy. All the pain I thought I'd worked through resurfaced with a vengeance and I was caught up in dealing with the fear and pain of the past.

Abuse ripples through our lives, like a rock tossed into a pond. I felt so worthless and scared. I wanted my baby to have the best start in life. I wanted her to be born healthy and happy. Knowing that the first 5 years of a child's life are the most formative and crucial for healthy brain development. I wanted so much for her, safety, security, support  love and happiness. So, I spoke to my midwife at Central Health in Cumbernauld. She referred a midwife named Morena to me. Morena was wonderful. I don't have any family support, having wilfully estranged myself from my immediate family for my own safety and wellbeing, so having Morena around to talk through my fears and anxieties and past traumas with was the greatest help I could have asked for.

She offered physical, mental and emotional support. She provided invaluable information, knowledge and skills. She bolstered my confidence and enabled me to be the best mother I could be. She came into my home and offered love and kindness and invaluable encouragement and it has made a world of positive difference to me and my new little family.

I would not have coped nearly as well without Morena and the health care services she provided. She sourced a second-hand baby buggy for me. Newborn necessities and more. She supported me throughout my pregnancy, the birth and the first few months of my precious baby's life. She taught me baby massage skills and referred me to a new mums and baby group that I still attend! I needed Morena, I needed the services she was trained to deliver, I needed her love and encouragement.

I am devastated to find out that Morena's role is now being discontinued.  What an awful, awful decision! Please, don't do this, please don't take away Morena's job. Please don't stop her and her colleagues from aiding and caring for expecting and new mothers who desperately need her help, like I did. Please.