"I hope you understand"

Following hospital discharge for a heart trauma, I had a phone consultation with the cardiac rehab clinic. This lasted approximately one hour. I had mixed feelings about this and got the impression that it was not so much about my heart issues but more a fishing exercises into my mental health. 

I don’t exactly know why this is an issue all of a sudden but I do know that maybe people are not fully understanding what I say when questioned or maybe they just don’t listen enough. 

I read the assessment from the consultation and was disappointed to see comments regarding areas discussed that were not really discussed only just comments at best. Everything seems to lead back to my stay in hospital when in my discharge notes one of the doctors expressed I had low moods. 

So what are low moods and do they make me a person with mental issues that require attention? Absolutely not, low moods do not make me mentally unstable or maybe it does if you don’t really understand the reasons or listen to my explanations for it ? 

Nobody can correctly assess me or how I feel over the phone, you can’t see my pains or understand my feelings with brief questions, you can’t see how I feel, you only interpret words 

I should not feel or be made to feel under pressure to take time off work to attend appointment after appointment that is made for me without consulting me so I can arrange appointments to fit in with my day to day activity, especially work. This is something that unfortunately I still have to do for a couple more years yet until I can retire. 

As an employee I don’t have unlimited days off that I can use for unarranged appointments of any kind, I only get 10 flexible days holiday a year so as I don’t work locally I have to either take time off work and use a half or full days holiday, or lose money and have absences added to my work Bradford score. 

My low moods come from my every day pain from other health issues and the pressure of working for the company that I work for. Although I have worked there for many years now it has recently been taken over by a rival company and they don't really seem to care about us in the same way our old employers did, we are just numbers to them and if you have medical problems or are getting too old for the heavy side of the job it doesn’t matter, you're expected to keep doing it anyway whether you're capable or not. 

I have less than 5 years left then I can retire and tell them to shove it but unfortunately until then I have to keep going and in the process if it nearly kills me then that is what it takes, yes places like this do still exist despite what the government tell us, the truth is we don’t really have rights and we are not important, we’re all just numbers that are not allowed to take time to be ill and if we are then it costs us money we can’t afford to lose. While we are ill bills don’t go away, the cost of living don’t go down, fuel for the car isn’t cheaper, food still costs a fortune. 

I don’t get any help with life when I’m ill like so many other people in this unfair and divided world , I live alone, I don’t have anyone to share time with, to talk with, have a meal with or help with the everyday costs. I have nobody to come home to or help me when I’m ill or struggling, I have to keep going and push through it all no matter how hard life gets. So I think from time to time I’m entitled to have a low mood, but it doesn’t automatically mean I have mental issues because I don’t, I’m very strong and stable mentally. Unfortunately until I retire my health is not top of my list of priorities, paying my bills are. My health comes second, when I retire it will be different then, as being ill won’t cost me money and i'll have all the time in the world to attend appointments, it won’t matter then. 

I really hope this helps everyone understand that life isn’t always straight forward for everyone and sometimes we have to make decisions that are not always the correct ones but have to be made anyway. 

Obviously if an emergency situation arises I will cross that bridge when I get to it but until then I need to continue living life the way I do and that is one day at a time. 

Hope you understand.