"They deserve the highest credit and thanks"

I attended A&E department on the advice of my GP after experiencing chest pains for 2 days. I walked to the hospital and booked into A&E at around 2pm, it was a long afternoon waiting to be seen and waiting for blood test results, the result of witch I ended up being admitted due to a heart attack suffered on the previous days.

This was totally unexpected to me as I was expecting to be going home that evening. I was not prepared for what was ahead of me or what I was going to experience and how I would deal with it and the truth is I didn’t deal with it very well at all.

My first feeling was fear and nervousness of being in hospital. This was a new experience in my life & I knew that I was out of my comfort zone mainly as a result of how I am and how my life is. I lead a very lonely life, i am single and have no friends or family that I can interact with and the only people I see are work mates, but they are only work mates, I don’t interact with them outside of work.

I am not a social person and have difficulty in fitting in socially, I always have been uncomfortable around too many people and I tend to keep myself to myself whenever I can, I feel safe when I’m alone. Even though I'm alone most of the time when I’m not at work I find it very hard to relax even when I am very tired. I can’t unwind, I have to be doing something, i am always on the go whether I am tired or not and often live my days on or close to the point of exhaustion. I only manage a few hours a night sleep, this is mainly due to other physical health issues that I have had for several years so late nights and early rises are a way of life for me now.

I knew this would be an issue for me in hospital as I can’t sit around doing nothing and by the end of day one I was already starting to feel stressed and unsettled with the situation and wanted nothing more than to get back to work. This was all I could think about and the longer I was in there the worse I was feeling about it. Also I was uncomfortable with the attention I received in the form of the care from the staff. I felt like I was a burden and didn’t deserve all the care, it felt wrong to me and maybe someone else needed it more. This added to my stress and made it even harder for me to relax and settle. I understand I needed the time to rest but it is something I find so hard to do naturally.

I do feel bad about things and it plays on my mind regarding how I behaved towards my last day in hospital as I was really stressed by this point and I think I may have gave some of the doctors and nurses a bit of a hard time because I was so keen to go home. But the day seemed to go on forever. I hope I didn’t upset anyone or appear ungrateful as I do know that they all gave me the best care available and to the very highest standards it’s a health service that we should all be proud of and the job they all do is just amazing. They deserve the highest credit and thanks for the service that they provide under extreme circumstances and pressure.

I was so happy to finally get discharged I didn’t stop to thank any of them and I do still feel really bad about that, but I just felt the need to get outside, get home and do something (this won’t happen next time). There probably will be a next time as when you live life on the limits and the borderlines of what is unhealthy, the vulnerability of later years will take its toll one day. But at this point in time my number 1 priority is work and keep paying my bills, my health is my 2nd priority.

If I can make it until I retire in 5 years time then my health will become my 1st priority as it won’t cost me money to be ill. Sounds bad I know but for so many of us this is how life is, it’s complicated and mixed up and not always easy.

After I was discharged from hospital I was back to work against my doctor's advice one week later.

I guess the biggest thing I had in the back of my mind during my time in hospital is when my birthday is. Last year my father had his last heart attack 5 days after my birthday and he died and exactly one year later. Just 6 days after my birthday I suffered my first heart attack and that was on my mind every day I was in hospital and it will be with me every year just after every birthday I will remember.

Thank you all for the care you gave me and for the care you gave my father over his lifetime.

You are all very special people ❤️💕