"No support before or after birth"

I was admitted to Ayrshire Maternity Unit Inpatient Ward in 2023 for induction of labour, due to reduced movements. During the night, while being monitored after induction, a midwife checked my progress, saying I wasn’t dilated at all, yet somehow, she could touch my baby’s head. This caused unbearable pain and other girls on the ward mentioned how uncomfortable they were too around this midwife, as the same happened to them without being told what was happening or consenting.  

Induction failed and ended with an elective C-Section 3 days later, leaving me days with contractions and no checks for progress. I opted for the section to get out of there ASAP and avoid the ordeal that happened on my first night. There was only one midwife I felt comfortable around. The whole team downstairs were amazing during the section.

After the birth, one midwife told me off because the room was too cold, but neglected to tell me I could control the heating. I felt like the majority of midwives' bedside manner to a first-time mum was lacking. I felt so uncomfortable and terrified when they came round because they offered no support and just pointed out my errors. I cried myself to sleep for two nights and tried to get on with things myself in terrible pain, so I didn’t have to buzz for them. Pain medication often came late, leaving me in a lot of pain. I distinctly remember a member of staff in the corridor asking if the patients had been given medication yet, and mentioned herself how late they were.

I was adamant I wanted to breastfeed, but I received almost zero support. I got more support from the cleaner emptying my bins. I have eventually turned to formula feeding my baby because of the lack of support getting started.

8 months later, I am struggling to process what happened and I have been put off having any more children in case the same happens again. I also feel like I have failed as a mother because I didn’t give birth naturally or breastfeed.