"Riverdale adult & adolescent units"

On both wards I felt belittled/dehumanised by some staff whose confidence (/ego) overpowered compassion they might have had. No-one, unless experienced, understands having 5 people holding you down while being force-fed with anorexia. Most staff I knew hated it as much as I did but some laughed, chatted over me or told me off for resisting during restraints- I felt like a humiliated zoo animal.

I understand that staff cannot always say right things as different approaches work for individuals but there are some statements directed to me that don’t under any circumstance adhere to care guidelines

I was told if I really wanted to kill myself I would just do it…I'm intelligent enough to do it.

A person so intelligent surely had competence to assume this is harmful. I understand the staff member who said this has seen far worse cases and BMIs probably half of mine, as they reminded me frequently, but to be honest I found their harsh, demotivating demeanour was nothing but harmful. I felt their cold, casual attitude towards restraint, NG, over medicating and self harm was damaging to a point their desensitisation to cases seemed more like lack of care for our lives.

Compassion wasn’t present in wardrounds 

I was told it was my fault, that I was a therapists worst nightmare. It made me want to disappear. 

Staff members ignored cries for help and avoided empathy from my experience. 

I was called immature and irresponsible… definitely not acting like an adult in response to treatment.

I felt threatened when I was told no one will want me as a patient, I haven’t complied.

Staff seemed to wind up patients on purpose - saying well done and you look well to patients that found it upsetting, justified by saying they shouldn’t shelter us from the real world, But this led to more distress. Why would you purposefully say that to a patient unless they are on a discharge pathway/preparing for the outside world?

Challenging an eating disorder was one thing, purposefully causing distress and then just leaving a patient alone to sob was twisted.

I heard staff insulting other patients and their own co-workers behind each others back.

On both wards when self harming/exercising I was shouted at and told off like I was a naughty child.

They seemed to become so immune to screaming and banging that it was ignored/seen as attention seeking.

Looking back I can now say I know for a fact I was not attention seeking. I know that if I wanted attention from anyone it was my mum and I was lucky enough to get unconditional love from her. However, in those circumstances I began to believe I was a horrible, immature instigator. I got worse and worse and staff got harsher and harsher in things they would say. Staff would give such harsh pep talks leading to even more distress, self hatred and self harm.

I wrote a letter apologising for being rude to staff members. Looking back I know I was only reacting to the context of each situation in desperation and distress at how undermined I felt.

I think Riverdale is understaffed (and high turnover/agency), but that doesn’t excuse leaving patients head-banging, absconding, attempting their own lives whether they thought it was serious enough or not. If Riverdale cannot facilitate safety for patients, I believe  it will end with even more tragic consequences than trauma.

Only a fraction of manual restraints were reported in notes. I was held down on stone paving for NG multiple times, left alone afterwards to bang my head on a brick wall or collect glass to SH which was known but nothing changed. 

Once found by another patient who thought I was dead. They are the only reason staff came. I escaped through same hole in hedge three times, again known but not covered. 

My mum and other parents she talked to felt the hospital didn’t support families at all and felt invisible (other than a few staff members efforts)

Emphasised at my next SEDU where she contrasting felt welcome/ heard.

I wanted to say thank you to a few staff members despite unfortunately trauma overpowering memories at Riverdale. 

Some full of nothing but empathy and compassion. I know all they wanted every patient to recover rather than just be discharged or transferred.

-patient, understanding, positively impacting everyone

 - funny, genuine interest for how you were

- fully hopeful towards every recovery no matter circumstance

 - empathetic, warm, kind 

 - good positivity/energy

- best listener, empathetic

-  support worker-cheered us up, motivated

Both cleaners at the time-funny, sensitive, positive

 -  care for patients in her heart and she spoke to us as an equal rather than inferior

always knew what to say, sensitive, non judgmental, funny

- hard working, listened with care

from yoga - adapted movement mindfully for patient circumstances, a beautifully loving woman

- cheerful, kind, so much love in her heart- down to earth, sensitive, encouraging

Unfortunately patients never forget the way they are treated. It hurts to remember how powerless I felt in communicating what an inconvenience Riverdale made me feel like.

Speaking out against Riverdale hospital is terrifying- it’s near impossible as a patient- when deemed mentally ill an attachment of attention seeking comes alongside and I was locked with those staff everyday. I didn’t want to be disliked or ridiculed.

I feel that intimidation has overpowered hope that Riverdale could improve so patients aren’t speaking out about negative experiences or they still believe it is their own fault.

In my view, using power of position to harm patients is abuse.